


Of Pride and Solitude

by Fadewalker



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Post-Canon, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-27 02:37:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 26,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2675789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fadewalker/pseuds/Fadewalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Solas was gone. Gone and not coming back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As one of those heartbroken Lavellan-players I was unable to contain the need to start writing.  
> So here it is, my humble attempt at mending the holes Solas' disappearance has left in the Inquisitor's life.

It didn't feel like victory. 

All those laughing faces. All those people celebrating. She should be one of them, she knew it. But she, Inquisitor Lavellan, couldn't bring herself to be happy. Not while the one who had become the most important person in her life was missing. He had been missing for a week now. For one whole week no word of him. Not the tiniest hint, even though Leliana had assured her that her spies were looking for him. And they had found even the Hero of Ferelden. Why not him?

She looked at the cake on the table in front of her. It seemed more like a piece of art than food, yet nevertheless she was sure it would taste amazing. Josephine had it brought from Val Royeaux, just for this party. Leliana had mentioned the name of the shop, but she couldn't remember it. Had no appetite.

“Don't like your cake?” Sera asked, her mouth still full and already eyeing her cake greedily. 

“You may have it, if you want”, she offered, her thoughts still not fully in the present. 

“You don't like the cake?” Josephine's voice sounded worried. Almost panical. Oh. She hadn't seen the woman standing behind them. 

“No it's not like that”, she assured her hastily. “It's just, that...” she hesitated. It all seemed so unimportant to her now. How could one be worried about cakes or parties, when one's love was gone? “I'm somewhat tired. I think I will return to my quarters.” 

“Already?”, Varric wanted to know, smirking. “You'll miss the afterparty and your chance to win your honor back at Wicked Grace.” 

“Cullen's in more need of winning his honor back. Try him.” Her voice didn't sound as lighthearted as it should have, but they didn't seem to notice. 

Varric laughed. “But you will join us in our next game?”

“Sure.” She didn't even think before talking. Just wanted to get away from all of this. Wanted to be alone for some time. Well, not alone, exactly. But the one whose company she desired, wasn't here. So alone it was. She hurried away from the table, leaving her friends to themselves. They deserved their happiness. And she didn't want to be the one to spoil it all. 

“She isn't tired because your party is bad, Josephine.” Cassandras voice was getting lower as she left the table. “The mingling. She has probably had to talk to all those people here, No wonder she...” The rest of her words was lost in the laughter and the conversations of the other guests. 

Before she could reach the door to her quarters, Leliana approached her. “Inquisitor”, she greeted her. For a moment hope was back. 

“Do you have word of him?” The words were out, before she could control herself. But it didn't matter. If Leliana knew something...anything...

Her spymaster looked confused. 

“Solas? No, I wanted to talk to you about something different.” Leliana trailed off. Probably because the look in her face betrayed all to clearly the emotional turmoil inside of her. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid Lavellan. How could she still have hope? Grasping straws, not letting go. That was what she was doing. 

“Maybe another time?”, the woman asked cautiously. 

She nodded. Eyes already burning. She pushed open the door to her quarters. No, she would not cry again. Had already cried enough on that day he had left her for the first time. Left her with nothing but his bitter gift of truth and memories of the sweet softness of his touch. 

Finally she arrived in her room. Her home now, for so many weeks. He was not here. Of course not, what was she thinking? That he would miraculously be waiting for her here, after the celebration? 

She did not cry. At least she had that much composure left. She was the Inquisitor after all. People looked to her for guidance, for hope. It wouldn't do to have them see the emotional wreck she really was. But it was becoming harder to uphold the lie with each passing day. When would they finally see through her mask? The mask of happiness after Corypheus defeat, the mask of the victorious Inquisitor? _He_ had always seen straight behind that mask. Had seen her true self. Like she had seen him. Or so she had thought. Had wanted to believe. 

Looking around, she saw her bare face in the mirror, free of her vallaslin. _You are so beautiful_. Gritting her teeth she turned away. Everything reminded her of him. Even her own face. 

Stepping outside on the balcony she breathed in the freezing air. The night was clear. Stars and the moon shone their soft light onto the world. The mountains, the snow. It was cold. She remembered all too clearly the time, when she had first laid eye on the deserted keep, he had guided her here. 

Him, always him. He had been there from the very start. And now he was gone. The fresh air didn't calm her thoughts. Nothing seemed to be able to accomplish that anymore. 

And that nearly let her miss her anger. Yes, she had been angry with Solas, when he had first left her. It had worked in a way, what he had advised. To forge her pain into a sharp weapon. But back then she had still believed he would explain everything to her. That it all would make sense eventually. And that she would be able to make everything alright again. That they could be together again, in that world without Corypheus. Wasn't that what he had meant, when he had said _not in this world_?

Seemingly not.

His second leaving had taken this belief away and with it her anger. Shouldn't she be even angrier now? Hate him for his lies and what he had done to her? Ironically that wasn't the case. There was only emptiness left inside of her, a void where her heart had been. 

No. It didn't feel like victory at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, so much angst.

She slept. Slept for most of the next week, only leaving her quarters for short trips to Leliana's tower. Asking her the same question every day. Getting the same answer every day.

Solas was gone.

She didn't know for how much longer she could continue this way, when people would need her help again. It was selfish of her, staying in Skyhold. That she didn't want to go outside. Didn't want to hunt down the few remaining red templars or help some farmer to get his druffalo or ram or whatever back. Of course, the Inquisitor shouldn't think like this. She was still needed and soon enough people would expect her help.

Then she had to be strong again, wouldn't be able to hide herself in her chambers. And what better way to regain her strength, than find the one who had taken it away?

If he could not be found by their spies, maybe _she_ could find something. Dreaming, searching through the Fade. What else should she do?

That was selfish too, of course. Solas didn't want to be found. He had left her, had put their relationship behind him and she was the one who didn't get over this fact. She had no right to go against his will if he had decided that he would need her no more. And still there she was, wandering through the Fade, looking for him. Of course, like Leliana's spies, she found nothing. Still no trace of him.

She did dream of him, though. Dreamed of the time they had shared. Sometimes of their first kiss in the Fade or their dance in Halamshiral. But it was never him she found, even if her heart hoped for it all the same. Hoped and was let down again, when she realized that it was only her memory of him, come to haunt her. “ _Ma vhenan_ ”, he called her. And the dream burst like a bubble.

She sat upright in her bed, her heart beating fast. Sometimes she wished, she would not wake up from these dreams. Even though her happiness was only illusionary, even though she understood that he wasn't real. Yet at the same time she knew, she would never be able to let that happen. Her mind was not that weak, to flee from reality. Or was it?

Firmly she shook her head, tried to clear it from all those doubts lingering there. Had she ever been so uncertain? It wasn't like her, she always had been strong, determined, her will unbreakable. It had to be this way, as a First. As a mage. She couldn't let doubts fester or she would be easy prey for demons. But now there were so many questions, so many regrets.

Why? Why had he broken his promise to tell her everything? Why had he abandoned her? Why had she not demanded answers right then, when he had left her for the first time? Maybe she could have changed everything. She shouldn't have taken her eyes off him, after the battle with Corypheus. She shouldn't have allowed the orb to be destroyed. Maybe then he would still be here with her. She should have done _something_. Her fault. She should have known better.

But why had he left her in the first place? This one question always came back. She probably asked it for the thousandth time, since he had disappeared, and still she had no answer. Or maybe she simply feared the answer and didn't want to accept the obvious truth. That she had done something wrong, that it _was_ all her fault.

He had been with her all this time. She had seen his worst fear in the Fade. On that graveyard. Her heart nearly broke, when she thought about it. Dying alone.

She had sworn to herself that she would show him he didn't need to have fears like this. That she would always be there with him, at his side. But it had been _him_ , who had left.

And if she thought back, he probably had always planned to do so. _“It would be kinder in the long run.”_ His words echoed in her mind.

Swallowing hard she slipped out of her bed and clothed herself. He had been right. It would have been kinder. But at the time she hadn't even thought about something like this happening. Him leaving her. You didn't leave the one you called _vhenan_ behind. She felt something wet rolling down her cheek. Angrily she rubbed her sleeve across her eyes. She was no stupid little girl anymore. She was the Inquisitor and she _would_ find him. If he wanted to see her or not, he owed her an explanation. Maybe today she would get the long awaited answer from Leliana. Maybe, maybe.

Lavellan descended the long run of stairs. In the great hall she turned right and made her way to the tower in which she would find Leliana. The tower which had been his, too.

She should probably take another way, avoid his rooms. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt that much. Yet still she took the same way day after day after day.

The wooden door opened with a low creak and here she was again. The scrolls he had read were still scattered across the table, the relic he had studied, even some brushes. Everything was still untouched, as if he had never left. Like he could come through this door at any moment. Silently she stared at the door, as though her will alone could make it happen. But magic like this didn't exist in Thedas, or she would already have started studying it.

She lingered in his room for a moment, taking in the familiar scents. It still smelled faintly of him. Or maybe it was just her mind playing tricks on her.

Her fingertips traced the outlines of one of his paintings. A howling wolf. She had always thought it strange for him to be so attached to those creatures. The murals, the jawbone around his neck, he always seemed to carry...and with all of his knowledge he surely knew a Dalish would link those signs to Fen'Harel. But he didn't believe in the elven gods. She had meant to ask him, when the thought first occurred to her.

Just another answer she would never get, if she couldn't find him.

“Dread Wolf take me”, she murmured bitterly. “I'm reading way too much into this.”

Really, she should simply take another way to get to Leliana. Did she enjoy torturing herself so much, that she always would come back here, ripping the fresh wounds open anew? Never even giving her heart a chance to heal, to forget him?

Sighing, she turned around and nearly bumped into the young man that stood silently behind her. “Cole!”

“Lonely and abandoned, every moment haunted by regrets. A tear in the dark. Guilt. What if? Why? Always the same questions. Make it go away. It _hurts_.”

She stared at him, unable to respond. _He knew_. The thought made her angry at her own stupidity. Of course he knew. He was a Spirit of Compassion.

His hat nearly covered all of his face and she couldn't see his eyes when he slowly began speaking again. “I can make the hurt stop. I can make it all go away. I can make you _fo_ -”

“No!”, she cried out in panic. Her voice sounded strange in her own ears. Desperate, distorted, weak. Wrong. She tried to calm herself, but the words were still strained, laced with an edge of hysteria. “No, I don't want to forget...” The last word was little more than a whisper. “...him.”

“I do not understand”, Cole stated. “If you forget what happened, you can be happy again.”

“I...I don't want to forget”, she stuttered again. “It _has_ happened. And even if it hurts now, I am glad it has.”

He stood there for a moment. “You know where you find me, if you change your mind.”

And then he was gone, as if he had never been there.

Her shoulders slumped and she collapsed into the chair in the middle of the room, burying her face in her hands. She couldn't go on like this anymore. Her heart was bound to Solas and nothing would change that. She couldn't let that connection be ripped away by force. Even if it was to be her downfall.

Soon enough everyone would see her crumbling. And they would all know how pitiful and powerless their glorious Inquisitor really was.


	3. Chapter 3

Solas was alone again. It was a rather strange feeling after all that time he had spent in the presence of so many others. And one woman in particular.

It was not supposed to be this way. He should be used to being alone, had been for most of his long life. The tranquility of the ruins should be comforting, _not_ leave him yearning for her soft voice whispering confessions of love. The cool breeze blowing in his face should _not_ make him think of her gentle touch. He should be content, being here on his own like he had always been. Like he would be for the rest of his life.

Solas leaned his head against the rough stone wall and gazed into the clear morning sky. A raven flew overhead, reminding him of the birds the Inquisition's spymaster used. Even so he did not fear the Inquisition's forces discovering him. Like they had not known of Skyhold they did not know about these ruins or where he was headed. No one would find him.

He would have to become accustomed to his solitary life once more.

Yet still his thoughts wandered to her, betrayed his true feelings even though there were so much more pressing matters at hand that needed his attention. He had always thought himself to be in control over his emotions, yet a Dalish elf had taught him better. And his lack of self-control had rewarded her love with hurt. He regretted his irresponsibility. It never should have come that far.

It had pained him to see her like this, broken and betrayed, when he had left her at the well after taking away her marks of slavery. She had pleaded him to stay, but she didn't know, couldn't know the path that lay before him. The path that was his to walk alone. He couldn't have her at his side, no matter how sorely he missed her. His weakness had brought enough pain into her life as it was.

Without him there never would have been a Breach and instead of the Inquisitor she would still be First to her clan's keeper. She would have been able to live a peaceful life.

And even after his actions had ripped her out of her usual life, if he had firmly quenched that budding love in her, not encouraged it, everything would be different. The Inquisitor was much-loved, had many admirers and it was beyond question that she could have found love elsewhere. Love that could last in this world. She should be happy, now that the threat of Corypheus was gone, not heartbroken. She deserved better than that.

But he had been drawn to her, compelled by her understanding, her curiosity and intelligence. Hadn't been able to resist the urge to spend time with her, even though he had known from the very beginning how it would end. That their love would always result in tragedy. How could it be different? Did the Dalish not believe him to be a betrayer?

Despite all that, in her presence he had been able to forget who he was. Had forgotten the past and what was yet to come, which had been both bliss and severe misconduct. It was his weakness she was now paying for, as she was on her hopeless quest to find him in the Fade.

He knew because he still visited her there from time to time. Not in any shape she would recognize, of course, and even that he hid in the shadows. To still involve himself in her life in this way was inappropriate, but he couldn't bring himself to truly stay away from her. And as long as he didn't make contact, she would never know. At the very least he would not make her life any worse. He owed her that much.

Slowly he got back to his feet. Putting up the hood of his plain gray cloak he left the ruins and made his way deeper into the woods.

Now was not the time to dwell on past relationships. There was, in fact, never such a time and that his thoughts still strayed in this direction only proved that she really _had_ changed everything. Solas banished the thoughts of her to the back of his mind. He had an obligation to the People and the burden wouldn't weigh lighter if his attention kept drifting to his personal affairs instead of what had to be done.

The orb was lost and with it a great part of his powers. But there were other ways still, to attain what he needed. Other ways he had never wanted to consider before he had held the shattered remains of his artifact in his hands.


	4. Chapter 4

Nothing in the Fade, no reports from Leliana. It really was like he had simply vanished from the face of Thedas.

But she would not stop looking for him. She never would.

Not knowing, what else to do, she had taken some of his parchments and books into her quarters in the hopes that studying them could shed some light on his whereabouts.

The things she learned about the Fade and spirits and old artifacts... If Solas had showed those to her she would have thought it all amazing. But reading it now made her rush through the information, always looking for even the slightest clue to what he was up to. And yet they only deepened her sorrow. Instead of leading her to him, they made her think of him, how he always had been so willing to sate her curiosity and how they could talk about magic for hours at a time. How he always had been there for her, had been at her side on every adventure. They reminded her of all the things she had lost, without giving her any indication on how to recover them. 

“You in there, boss?” The voice of the Iron Bull boomed through the door.

Lavellan looked up from Solas' writings. She had no time for this! She knew what Iron Bull wanted. Cole had only been the first one to approach her. And now somehow they all thought it was a good idea to try to get her out of her quarters. Just a few days ago Sera had insisted on eating Inquisition cookies with her and not a long time before that, Varric had wanted to convince her to come out for a game of diamondback. She had turned them away, of course, with shallow apologies.

“Come on, Inquisitor.” Great. Dorian was out there, too. “Don't leave us hanging. Your friends want to see your lovely face from time to time.”

She stayed silent, had to keep reading. There could be a hint in one of those books, something that could lead her to him. Maybe they would leave her alone if she didn't react.

“If you're not coming I'll break the door!”

Or not. Bull would probably follow through with his threat. Couldn't they just leave her be? Dragging herself up from the chair, she opened the door.

“I knew I would be right to bring Bull”, Dorian stated with a satisfied grin. “So...care to join us for some drinks at the tavern?”

“I can't. I still have...research to do. On...the rifts.” It was a bad lie. One neither of the two men bought. It didn't matter. All that was important, was finding Solas. “I better get back to it. Sorry”, she mumbled and slowly closed the door.

Iron Bull's strong fist kept her from shutting it completely. “Sorry, boss. You're coming with us.”

“But-”

Bull only shook his head disapprovingly. “No more excuses. You _need_ a good drink.”

“Look at it this way: You'll clear your head for some time and maybe then, when you go back to your _research_ , you get an idea you were unable to see before”, Dorian tried to cheer her up.

Her shoulders slumped a bit, defeated. They probably wouldn't leave until she agreed to come with them. Better to play along for now and return to her quarters earlier than waste her time with arguing.

“Alright, I'll come.” With a last longing look to her desk she stepped outside and followed her two friends to the inn. It seemed to be ages ago since she had been there for the last time.

Dorian opened the door. “After you, my Lady Lavellan.”

Her feet took her in like a sleepwalker. She shouldn't be here. She should be back in her quarters, reading Solas' parchments or looking for him in the Fade or even studying the murals in his old room. There had to be a hint _somewhere_.

“Inquisitor!” Varric's cheerful voice interrupted her thoughts. Looking up, she saw him sitting at the table in front of her with Cassandra and Blackwall. Bull and Dorian already took their places.

“Glad to see you decided to come.” The dwarf smiled up to her. She felt a little guilty at that, knowing that she had neglected her friends. And that it would probably stay this way until she knew about Solas.

Blackwall cleared his throat. “So...how are you holding up?”

Her answer came immediately, like a well-practiced mantra. “I'm all right. You don't have to worry about me.” How many times had she repeated that lie now, to them and to herself? She took her seat next to Iron Bull gave them her best reassuring smile.

Blackwall crossed his arms and leaned back. “Oh, don't even try that anymore, girl. Don't think you can fool us.”

Her smile faltered in surprise. “What do you mean?”, she asked feebly, nervously trying to get a hold of her facial expression again.

“Did you really believe we wouldn't know?” He shook his head. She stared at him and then one after another at her other friends. Was he telling her that they all had known the whole time? It had been that obvious?

Cassandra looked apologetic. “We had hoped that time would help you heal. Didn't want to push...”

Iron Bull grunted. “But you've been moping in your tower long enough now. Time to get over that bald deserter.” Before she could reply anything to that, he shoved a mug into her hands. The dark liquid looked awfully similar to the stuff they had drunken when Bull had celebrated their first dragon-slaying.

No. She would not drink this today. If she was drunk, she would not be able to keep searching for Solas. But that was probably exactly what Iron Bull wanted. And all the others, looking at her with those worried expressions. Did they not understand? Did they not understand that simply getting wasted would help her nothing at all? That she would only lose time this way? That she would never “ _get over_ ” Solas?! They probably meant well. But that didn't help her _at all_. 

“Inquisitor? A message from Leliana.” The words made her snap to attention. She hadn't even noticed the man approaching their table silently, but in an instant she was on her feet, nearly spilling the drink in front of her.

“Yes?”, she asked eagerly, everything else forgotten. With a bow the man handed her a scroll. Immediately she ripped the seal open, desperately hoping her spymaster finally had been successful. With her heart beating fast, she skimmed the short text.

They had found the village where Solas had grown up? And it had been a ruin for _centuries_?

That was not possible. She stared at the letter, her hopes shattering with each word she read. _Whoever Solas truly is, wherever he came from, he has deceived us from the very start._ She reread the sentence. _He has deceived us from the very start._

“No...”, she whispered. “That can't be right...” She sank back into her chair.

“What can't be right?”, Cassandra asked concerned. “What does it say?”

Wordlessly she handed her the message. It was wrong. Everything was wrong. Had she even known Solas? Or had it all been lies? She didn't know anymore.

Dorian lightly patted her back, softly murmuring comforting words she didn't understand as her thoughts drifted away from the present. She had trusted Solas unconditionally. She had felt the special connection they had shared. It was not possible that everything had only been her imagination. At least _that_ she had never doubted. But now?

She gulped down the drink she hadn't touched before, like she could find all the answers she was looking for at the bottom of the mug. Everything burned like fire and she couldn't suppress the cough, yet still the thoughts of Solas were clear in her mind. Betrayal, deceit, lies. Was that really all that had ever been to their relationship?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone wants to read the original message of Leliana: It's in Solas' codex entry after he has left.   
> And yeah I was really sad when I saw it. The Inquisition needs better spies.


	5. Chapter 5

With a groan she woke up. For a moment she was disoriented. Her head felt like it was about to burst. She was lying on hard wooden planks, an old coat was draped over her body. Slowly she sat up. No one was there.

Then she recognized the attic of the tavern, softly lit by the rising morning sun. What was she doing here?

She closed her eyes. Blurred memories of betrayal and drinking and forgetting rushed back. Memories of love and love lost and love that never had been. The long-awaited message from Leliana and those never-expected words it contained.

Even so, she should not have been so weak as to drink herself into oblivion. It had been foolish, she needed to be in control, now more than ever! And instead she had no recollection of how she had even gotten here.

When she opened her eyes again, Cole was squatting beside her. She blinked. “Since when have I been here?”

“You came here at night, hurting,” he began. “I thought you would want my help. But you said you still didn't want to forget. You said you loved him no matter what. You said nothing could change that. You cried.”

“Oh,” she said tonelessly. That sounded even worse than what she had expected. “I'm sorry. I didn't want to disturb you.”

“Don't be sorry. I know,” Cole stated. “You wanted to talk to a friend who would understand. So you did. And then you slept. I found you a blanket.”

A tired smile spread over her face. “Thank you.”

Cautiously she got back to her feet. Her head was still throbbing, but she had wasted enough time as it was. Really, what had she been thinking, drinking all that stuff?

“Sorry, Cole,” she apologized. “I have to go...I...” She hesitated, already an excuse prepared. But he would understand. If anyone would understand the truth, it was him. “I have to keep looking for Solas.”

“Solas? I-” his voice cracked. When he started talking again, it sounded changed. Absent and not like himself at all.

“I'm sorry Cole, but with your gift, I fear that you might see the path I now must walk in solitude forever.” The young man's eyes stared unseeingly into the distance. But that was...what was he talking about?!

“This fate is mine alone. Indeed, I would not wish it on an enemy, much less someone that I once cared for.”

She gaped at him, unable to comprehend. That was not possible. It all sounded like _Solas_.

“Though you reach out in compassion, I must now insist that you _forget_.”

Her eyes were wide with disbelief. “Why?” she whispered, even though the one who could provide the answers was not here, only the echo of his words.

“I'm...” Cole looked confused for a moment. “what were we talking about? I'm ready to help people when you are.“

Those had been Solas' words. Who else could keep a spirit out of his thoughts, who else could make even Cole forget? She was sure of it. But what was the meaning of this?

What was he up to?! Those words seemed so final. Wistful and resigned. As if he had accepted a cruel fate.

Oh, Solas. If she had only been able to see his distress sooner. She would have walked with him, wherever it was fate was taking him. And even though the words Cole had uttered were dark and painful, they rekindled the small flame of hope in her. If he had left to keep her from harm, didn't that mean, that he hadn't truly wished for their relationship to end? Didn't that mean, that at least his feelings for her had been true?

_ No matter what comes, I want you to know that what we had was real. _ Those had been his last words to her after all. How could she have forgotten, how could she ever have doubted? It was no deceit and no betrayal. He wanted to  _ protect _ her. 

The revelation made her excited and anxious at the same time. What was he planning to do, that he could not take her with him or even tell her about? How could he believe that there was any fate worse for her than being separated from him? Why had he chosen a life in solitude if it was exactly this he feared the most?  _ Something _ clearly was very wrong.

She did not know what it was, but now she was not only looking for her own sake anymore. Solas needed her, whatever he was up to, even if he didn't seem to think so himself. Her place was at his side. She would have to remind him of this simple truth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, Cole's post-game dialogue broke my poor heart. (Haha, as if it hadn't been completely broken before...)  
> And sorry for those tiny updates, but...better than nothing, I hope?


	6. Chapter 6

With newfound fervor she resumed her search for Solas. The knowledge that he was out there somewhere, alone, and that this was not because he wanted it to be this way, but because of perceived necessity...it changed her. It replaced her anxiety that he would be angered by her perseverance in searching for him with the hope that she would be able to help him. The doubts were gone, her constant fears that he didn't miss, didn't want her love. He needed help, that much was obvious to her now.

The only thing that had not changed was the fact that she had no idea how to track him. Maybe she should go out again, return to the place of battle where she had last seen him and try to follow his path. But how could she succeed where professionals had failed? She was adept at hunting, finding the tracks of prey, but to find someone who deliberately took care to hide his traces?

It was improbable that she would be able to follow a trail her spies hadn't even found. So where was Solas most likely headed? Old ruins, probably, if he had returned to his former habits. She didn't know of any famous or otherwise important elven ruins in the west, but wouldn't that be the most logical place to look for him?

She was in the library, staring at some Tevinter maps of Thedas spread on the table in front of her. Those were the oldest maps she had been able to get hold of. Even so she didn't expect to simply find the locations of the ancient cities of her people marked anywhere. And naturally she didn't.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cole appear. He took a step towards her and squinted at the table. “You are looking at the maps again.”

She nodded absentmindedly. Where should she go to first? Where would her chances be best to find him? She would have to decide soon.

“ _Still_ would probably be more fitting than _again,_ ” Dorian remarked pointedly. He was sitting in the chair a few steps away from the table, reading in one of the books. “I don't think she has looked up _once_.”

“I will leave tomorrow,” she reminded him. “I don't have that much time left.”

With a sigh he closed his book and sauntered over to them. “So you really want to leave the Inquisition for him? Where do you even want to start looking?” Dorian made it sound like the worst idea possible.

“My advisers will handle everything until I'm back.” In fact they already had, those past weeks when she hadn't been willing to even come out of her quarters. Of course, they were not happy about the Inquisitor herself leaving but that was a minor concern for her at the moment. Selfish, but she calmed her conscience by telling herself, that she would return as soon as she found him.

“That still leaves the second question.”

“All we know is that he went west,” she admitted. It did sound rather ridiculous, even in her own ears. But she had seen how far she'd come never leaving Skyhold. She would never be able to find him if she stayed. And she could still search the Fade while she was traveling, maybe even better than now.

Dorian arched an eyebrow. “West is...vague.”

“West is a direction,” Cole offered.

“Well, I don't have more information, so _west_ will have to be sufficient.” For a few more moments she eyed the maps, then simply folded the one on top and stuffed it into her backpack. Now she only needed some lyrium, a few of Solas' books, maybe some potions...

“I know, you probably don't want to hear this.” She looked up in surprise. Dorian wore a serious expression for a change.

“I don't want to hear what?”

He shrugged. “Do you _really_ think he is worth it? I know, I know, true love and all that. But leaving everything behind?”

“Did Leliana send you?” Her spymaster had already tried to persuade her to stay with the Inquisition, without much success.

Dorian sniffed indignantly. “No.”

Then his features softened and he gestured in her direction. “But a man leaving a woman such as yourself is nothing but a fool. I don't want him to hurt you further.”

She slowly shook her head. “It isn't his fault,” she muttered. Solas had warned her, had he not? She had been the one willing to take her chances and she still stood by this decision. She would make this work, even if she had to change the whole world.

“I appreciate your concern, Dorian,” she smiled up to him. “But yes, I do think he is worth it.”

Dorian shook his head. “I don't know what you see in him. All _I_ see is an apostate with a questionable sense of fashion.”

“Soft, full lips, pressing hungrily on my own,” Cole began to murmur. Her head jerked in his direction, a blush already creeping into her face. She _had_ thought of their first kiss, hadn't she? “Only remnants of a dream when I _wake up_. His-”

“Why do you even see this?,” she interrupted him, desperate to change the subject. Dorian looked way too amused for her liking.“Didn't you say I was too bright, like the sun or something like that?”

Cole nodded. “That's true. You still are hard to see. But not as before. Like a veil has been pulled in front of the radiance.”

“Something like this is possible?” She wasn't sure if she understood but at least Dorian's grin was gone.

“Loneliness and longing darken even those suns that burn the brightest.” Dorian frowned. Louder he continued. “It is decided, then. I will accompany you.”


	7. Chapter 7

For a moment she could do nothing but stare at Dorian in surprise. He wanted to come along? “What do you mean you will accompany me?”

He simply grinned. “I do think the meaning of this is quite obvious.”

This was not what she had expected. That he would try to dissuade her from this madness maybe. It _was_ madness after all, to try to look for one person with nothing but a direction.

“But...” She was at a loss for words. She didn't want him to feel obligated to help her because of their friendship. Finally she shook her head. “This is my own problem. You really don't need to come along.”

Dorian arched an eyebrow. “Oh, and who guards you when you sleep, pray tell?”

“Solas showed me how to set up wards...,” she muttered, involuntarily remembering the time she had asked him to teach her. The astonishment that she would care to learn something like this had been written all too plainly on his face. _You never cease to surprise me._ He had been fond of saying that. Oh, how she missed his voice. Soft-spoken and solemn, always considerate, caring.

But it wasn't his voice, but Dorian's that pulled her out of her thoughts again. “Wards may be enough for one hedge mage. But for the Inquisitor? You have enemies, ones that won't be kept away by some simple spells.”

She didn't have anything to respond to that, knew that he was probably right. But she couldn't ask of him to join her when she didn't even know herself where she was going, could she?

Before she could protest, Cole took a step forward. He looked to the floor, his giant hat shadowing his face. His words were barely more than a whisper. “I want to come, too. Will you take me with you?”

“Cole...” She trailed off when she saw the shoulders of the young man slump. “I miss Solas. I wish he wouldn't have left.”

It was this moment, that she _truly_ understood, that the absence of Solas was not only affecting her, but all of her friends. And out of them Cole probably most of all.

“So, our departure is tomorrow morning with the first light?” Dorian asked cheerfully. “You'll excuse me then, I need to get everything ready.” He brushed past her, a smirk on his lips.

“Me too,” she heard Cole murmur. When she turned around he was already gone.

It seemed she wouldn't go on her journey alone after all. She only hoped her friends wouldn't regret their decision. Shaking her head she made her way down the stairs. They could both simply return to Skyhold whenever they lost their interest in the search. Until then she would be glad to accept their company. 

She made her way to the gardens of Skyhold. Now that she was preparing for her departure she felt strangely relieved. There was still anxiety and of course she still worried about Solas. But now she felt that she was actually _doing_ something to find him instead of waiting or reading old texts that brought her no nearer to her goal. She had a purpose. Tomorrow her hunt would begin. And she would succeed, no matter how long it would take. Determination had always been a strong trait of her.

She stepped outside into the small courtyard. Before she even got to the herbs, she saw the black-haired woman heading in her direction.

“Morrigan,” she greeted her.

The other mage gave her a nod. “Inquisitor. 'Tis convenient that you are here. I wanted to have a word with you.”

“Sure. What is it?”

“I have heard that you want to depart tomorrow, to look for the elven mage.” As she nodded in confirmation, the other woman continued, “I, too, have an interest in finding him.”

The last part surprised her. What interest could Morrigan of all people have in finding Solas? The two had barely spoken and when they had, they had only disagreed with each other, like in the temple of Mythal.

The look on her face must have betrayed her confusion, as Morrigan began explaining. “He was knowledgeable on ancient elven lore. More so than I would expect from any simple mage.“

It was true that Solas knew more about elven history than anyone she knew, even her Keeper. But why would that mean anything to Morrigan? She shrugged. “He learned of our people's past in the Fade.”

“The Fade only teaches so much. He was fluent in ancient elven, knew more about their artifacts than even I. And I have studied such lore for the longest part of my life. In the light of the current events I began wondering if he also knew about the Well of Sorrows – and Mythal – as decidedly as he refused its power.”

Her eyes narrowed at that. “What are you implying?”

“Only that he seems to know more than any of us expected,” Morrigan stated.

For a moment there was silence. What could the witch hope to gain by finding Solas? It couldn't simply be _any_ knowledge if she would go as far as to join her on her hunt. Finally it dawned on her. “You want to know if there is a way to revert it? Your binding to Mythal,” she asked incredulously.

“No magic is irreversible, regardless of what the elves at the temple believed,” the other woman answered simply. After a short pause, Morrigan added, “You have no objections then, that I will follow you?”

Slowly she shook her head, still dwelling on the other woman's words. That Solas could have obtained his knowledge through different means than his experiences in the Fade, like he had claimed, had never occurred to her.

But what other ways were there, to come by such knowledge? He had talked about the days of Arlathan like he had seen them with his own eyes, hadn't he? _What if he really had?_

There had been Abelas and the other ancient elves at the temple of Mythal. Would it not be possible for him to be like them? She shook her head, trying to chase the questions away. It didn't matter. She wouldn't know anything until she found him. And until then she knew everything she needed to know. _What we had was real._ She clung to those words as she went on with the preparations for her departure.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I might have listened to the “Once”-Soundtrack Patrick Weekes mentioned as his Solas-writing-music. Damn, I'm sad now... 
> 
> Well, have some Solas-POV?

Haven, Skyhold. Sometimes the grotto in Crestwood where he had ended their ill-fated relationship. Those were the places where Solas regularly found her, dreaming of times now past.

Tonight she was nowhere.

He shouldn't be surprised. The times she went looking through the Fade for him had become shorter. From time to time he would still see her familiar form drifting through the spirit world, but it was not like the beginning anymore, when she had done nothing else for days.

His shape shrunk, became that of an elf again. There was no need for a disguise if there was no one who could see him. With slow steps he approached the clear water. When he had taken her here he had not planned on leaving her. He had always known that he would have to end it at one point, but that it would be here and after taking away her vallaslin...He had given her freedom, even if only symbolically. Wasn't it only fitting that she should also be free of him?

He would like to be able to say so, but if he was honest with himself that hadn't been the reason. In the beginning he had been selfish enough to enter the relationship and he would have been selfish enough to let it continue.

Until he had noticed that he began losing his goals out of sight. Until he understood that if he allowed himself to lose his pain in her love he would never be able to pull away again and right all the wrongs he still had to set right. That she was a distraction he could not afford, if he wanted to straighten all those mistakes he had made. And that he had to end it before it was too late.

A bitter chuckle escaped him as he watched his reflection in the calm waters. _Too late_. It had already been too late when he had given in to his feelings at Haven. When he had confessed to her and to himself that she changed everything. It had been too late, when he had been too weak to resist the need to have someone he trusted, the need to not be alone anymore. He had _tried_ to withstand. Tried and failed.

How long he had contemplated what he should do. If he should risk it, if he could allow himself to be with her. Yet in the end, what good had all his careful thoughts done? He had brought hurt not only to himself but also to her, just so he could indulge in some short moments of happiness. And how blissful those moments had been. To experience the comfort of not being on his own anymore. To have found a woman with a spirit as beautiful and pure as hers, worthy of adoration. It let the loss sting all the sharper.

He remembered her smile when he had brought her here. Those last precious moments they had shared. And now he was here by himself, even as he dreamed. He turned away from the pond and slowly walked towards the exit of the cave. Dawn was approaching and it was time for him to wake, to leave the Fade and all those thoughts on her behind. It seemed he wouldn't get to see her this night.

Maybe she was finally forgetting him.

As much as he wanted to feel relief at that thought, he couldn't. Instead there was frustration. _Fear_. He had no right to feel this way. _He_ had left her behind. And still something inside of him clung to the impossible hope that one day he could be with her again. That he could return. And that she would accept him. How utterly foolish.

No, it was good if she was able to move on. He wanted her to be happy and feeling regret about this was irrational. The world he had known was gone, all he had cherished forgotten. It was not as if he didn't know loss. He would suffer, endure and survive. With time she would become only one more thing he had lost.

His mouth twisted at that. Would she, really? Right now he couldn't even make himself truly believe that.

He may have left _her_ behind. But not his feelings for her.


	9. Chapter 9

“Bring Chuckles back. I think there are a few here who would like to give him a piece of their mind,” Varric called after her and she turned back, smiling to the small group of people that had gathered in the yard. It was still early in the morning, but her friends who would stay behind at Skyhold were there nevertheless to say their goodbyes.

“Sure, we'll be back in no time, just see!”, she jested lightly and with one last wave she pressed her feet into the sides of her horse and made her way through the great gates, her three companions riding behind her.

They crossed the bridge and then followed the mountain path leading to the Dales. On their former journeys they had often traveled on this way, whenever there had been need to go to Orlais. Today they had no destination other than _west_. 

A year ago she might have called out to Andruil to guide her on this hunt. But times had changed. After her meeting with Mythal and the stories Solas had shared, she was not so sure anymore what she should think of the Creators. 

From time to time Cole or Dorian would ride beside her, exchanging a few words, but their pace was too fast to allow for extensive conversations and so they mostly concentrated on the way. The whole time Morrigan was riding silently in the back, keeping to herself. 

That the witch had chosen to come along still made her wonder. Not that she disapproved of her presence, she was simply surprised by her motivation and that she thought it likely her connection to Mythal could be interrupted somehow. But who knew, maybe she was right. After all there where other things she had thought permanent, that a single spell could remove. 

It was familiar to travel in a small group such as this, nearly like it used to be before the defeat of Corypheus, when she had ridden out to travel the lands and close the rifts. And at the same time completely different.

It took them until the evening to leave the Frostback Mountains behind and arrive at the eastern border of the Dales. They had covered the distance in a good time, she could already see the forest in the distance where she and Solas had found an ancient ruin a while ago. That would be the first place she would look for him.

When they arrived at the edge of the woods, it was already getting dark. They wouldn't be able to ride much longer, the horses needed a rest. But that didn't matter, she could reach the ruin on foot just as quickly.

“We could make camp here,” she suggested. There was a small stream nearby where the horses could drink and the trees would give them shelter and provide wood for a fire.

“Fine with me,” Dorian declared readily and slid of his gray. “I was already wondering if you'd want to press on through the night.” He grinned. “Not that I would complain, of course.”

Cole led his horse towards the water and she dismounted as well. “Then I will go and look around for a bit. There's an elven ruin nearby. I'll see if I can find some traces.” She didn't really think she would, they were still near Skyhold after all and Leliana's spies had probably been there already. But looking certainly wouldn't hurt.

“We will set up camp here in the meantime then.” Morrigan stated, as she took the bags off her horse. 

Lavellan nodded. “Thank you.”

“Do make sure you scream loud enough if a bear tries to eat you,” Dorian instructed her jokingly as she handed him the reins of her horse. 

“There are no bears here,” Cole's calm voice carried over to them. “Only wolves.”

“Well, look out for them too. I would hate to have to return to Skyhold after only one day with our precious Inquisitor in pieces. Do you want one of us to accompany you?” Dorian grinned. 

“Don't worry, I'll be fine,” she assured them. “I think I can handle a few wolves and bears on my own.” 

Looking around she picked up one of the branches lying on the ground and conjured a small flame, lighting it so she had a makeshift torch. “It won't take too long. I will not try to enter the Fade there tonight.”

Dorian smiled broadly. “Of course not, we have all your lyrium here.”

She wriggled her left hand in his direction. “I don't need lyrium,” she reminded him. “I _could_ always try to enter physically.”

Dorian rolled his eyes. “Oh _yes_ , because that would be such a _fantastic_ idea.”

She shrugged. “I was only pointing out the possibility.” It would be a lie to say she had not considered it. But the risks where too great and the chances of success not really better than entering the Fade in spirit alone and so she had refrained from it.

“I'll get going then.” She left her friends to themselves and ventured into the woods, towards the place where she remembered the ruins to be, the torch her only source of light. Relying on her memory she made her way through the forest and soon she arrived at the overgrown remains of broken archways and pillars. Everything was as she remembered it.

Wandering around the ruins she kept looking for any traces of a camp long since gone. Nothing. She walked along one of the crumbling walls. The torchlight flickered in the soft breeze and threw light upon the remains of a statue. Probably of one of the elven gods but made unrecognizable by time and weather. There where writings on the wall beside it.

Stepping nearer, she brought the torch closer to the wall and tried to make out the elven runes. Solas would have been able to read them, she was sure of it. He had known so much and even though he had taught her, she still had only been learning. His knowledge was so vast, could he truly have learned all of this in the Fade? To read ancient elven? Only Keepers knew how to read fragments of those runes and Keeper Istimaethoriel hadn't even taught _her_ yet, before she had been sent away to the conclave. If one could attain such knowledge by journeying to the Beyond, surely there would have – in all those ages – been a Dalish mage who would have been able to seek it out. It was not like her people didn't _try_. The longer she thought about it, the more she started to actually believe that there had been more to what Solas had told her. That he truly could be one to have awakened from _uthenera_.

But what would that mean? That he was immortal? And what of her then, was she a _shemlen_ to him? Well, what else would she be...In hindsight it felt foolish for the Dalish to call humans _shemlen_ , while they where themselves no different. Quick children in comparison to what an elf had been at the time of Arlathan.

She wandered further along the wall, looking for other runes, when she noticed movement out of the corner of her eyes. Someone was coming closer. In the dark she couldn't be fully sure, but the approaching figure looked like an elf. He didn't seem hostile, but nevertheless she made herself ready to cast a barrier spell in the blink of an eye.

“Flat-ear!” He called out to her, condescendingly. “Is this the way to Skyhold?” The voice sounded familiar, the tone did not. “We are looking for- “ When she straightened and turned to face him, the other elf went still.

The torch illuminated his face, revealed long brown hair and delicate features marked with the intricate _vallaslin_ of Andruil. He held a bow in his right hand and stared at her as if she was the Dread Wolf himself. She hadn't seen him since she had left her clan on that fateful day that now seemed like an eternity past. And she certainly hadn't expected to find him here.

For a moment they both said nothing.

“Flat-ear, is it?” she finally asked tonelessly. Never before had she felt the lack of her own blood-markings as keenly as now. “Greetings to you too, _lethallin_.”


	10. Chapter 10

She should be happy to see him, he had always been one of her best friends. One of the few hunters daring enough to accompany her on her adventures when their clan stumbled over elven ruins and she wanted to uncover all of their secrets. Why did it feel so awkward to see him again?

At least it seemed she was not the only one who felt this way.

“I didn't...what happened to you?! They are gone!” With a shocked expression her old friend stepped closer, his gaze intently searching her face. She gave her best not to flinch in embarrassment. Why would she? There was nothing she had to be ashamed of. “They are really gone.”

She grimaced at the horror in his voice.

“Yes. Yes they are.” Her voice sounded weaker than she would have liked it. It had been her decision and it had been the right one. She should not be self-conscious about it now.

“What have they done to you? _How?!_ ” he asked, the disbelief in his voice slowly turning to anger. “Have the _shemlen_ -”

“No,” she interrupted him. “The humans have nothing to do with this.” And finally finding some of her courage she added, “I had them removed out of my own volition.”

At that he stared at her, stupefied. She couldn't really fault him. Why would the First of clan Lavellan, the one who knew most about the old ways and the Creators next to only the Keeper, want her _vallaslin_ gone? She could see the questions in his eyes. The appalled incomprehension. But what should she tell him? That all the things the Dalish believed to know where nothing more than twisted half-truths? That the _vallaslin_ he was so proud of marked him as a slave? Would he believe her? Would he even want to know?

“What are you doing here?” she asked instead, trying to change the subject. “Why have you left our clan?”

He looked away, his expression unreadable in the flickering light of her torch. “I have not left them. Our clan is nearby...I was looking around when I saw your fire.”

Her heart skipped a beat. “They are _here_?!”

What should she do? She did want to meet them again, but not so soon. Not _now_! Not when she herself hadn't fully come to terms with all the things she had learned. How should she explain everything to them?

The other elf shrugged. “Keeper Istimaethoriel wanted to talk to you.”

“She...wants to talk? Why? What's happened?” Fear for their well-being replaced the worry about meeting them again. They had traveled all the way from the Free Marches to Skyhold simply to speak with her, it _had_ to be something serious.

He hesitated and evaded her searching gaze. Finally he crossed his arms and answered. “She didn't say anything. But there are rumors...”

She noticed that he still avoided to face her. Was it her bare skin that made it unbearable for him to look at her?

His voice was bitter when he continued. “You _do_ remember that you were to become our Keeper at some point, right? Istimaethoriel says the Inquisition no longer needs you, but your clan does.”

“Oh,” she mouthed. She could see how that would be a problem. Apart from the fact that she had no plans right now to stay with her clan. “Well, let's see then, if she still thinks so after meeting me again.”

“I can lead you to them,” he said curtly. With that he simply turned away and started heading in the direction he had come from.

They walked side by side in silence for a time. He was obviously still put off by her lack of _vallaslin_ and she was in no mood to force any awkward conversation. It stung that he treated her so differently. As if they were strangers. Right now, it really felt like she didn't know her old friend anymore.

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. He stalked through the woods simply staring forward, a grim determination in his eyes. If _he_ took it this badly, how much worse would the others be? He had always been a proud Dalish, but surely their friendship should matter more? They had known each other since they were children...

“Why?” he finally asked, his voice strained. “Why would you want your _vallaslin_ gone?”

Taken aback by the sudden question, she fumbled for words. “It's...complicated.”

“What about this is complicated?!” he hissed through gritted teeth. “You either honor the Creators or you don't. Have you forgotten your heritage? Is this because you are the _Herald of Andraste_ now?” He spat out the words with a venom she had never heard in his voice before.

He couldn't be serious though, could he? It was ridiculous! How could he even consider something like this?

“This has nothing to do with human faith,” she clarified, trying to stay calm. “And I am certainly _not_ the Herald of Andraste. You should know me that well.”

“Then why?” he demanded angrily.

“Because...” And once again she hesitated, not knowing what to tell him. In the course of the past events she had learned so much she had never thought possible. How should she explain _why_ with a few words? That could only make it worse. Simply tell him, y _ou know, those vallaslin are slave marks so I didn't want them anymore._ And maybe add, _Oh, and by the way, I met Mythal. She is not even of the People. And there are stories of Falon'din being a bloodthirsty warmonger. And your beloved Andruil might also be the goddess of sacrifice, hunting elves as gladly as beasts._

“...it really _is_ complicated,” she confessed. She saw in the tensing of his shoulders that this had been the wrong answer.

“We will be at the camp soon,” he snapped. “Maybe the Keeper has enough knowledge to understand the complexity of your actions which I obviously wouldn't.”


	11. Chapter 11

It didn't take long until she saw the first _aravel_ lighted by campfire. A short look to her left showed her, that her old friend still was seething silently beside her. Should she try to say something to him before they arrived at the camp? 

Softly the melody of an old Dalish song carried over to them, making those thoughts superfluous. It was to late to try and reconcile now. After a few more steps she already saw the elves sitting around the campfire. Her clan. Her family. The singer became silent when they noticed their arrival. 

One of the women at the fire stood up and she recognized the familiar figure of Istimaethoriel. There was a gentle smile in the face of the Keeper as she turned towards them. The woman looked older than she remembered her, tired. The conflicts in Wycome seemed to have taken their toll. 

Together with her friend she stepped closer, her heart sinking. Happy voices calling her name, smiles and laughter. They all became silent as she walked closer towards them. As soon as they _saw_. And Istimaethoriel's smile faltered, too.

“This is not possible,” the Keeper gasped, her eyes wide as she came to a halt in front of her. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Don't worry about it,” her companion remarked sharply. “She is like she wants to be.” And with these words he left her side and joined the other hunters instead, looking at her from the sidelines with crossed arms and angry eyes.

“ _Da'len_ , is it true, what he claims?” Istimaethoriel's voice was at once serious and full of authority. Every hint of happiness for her return was gone.

She felt the eyes of everyone on her. The hushed whispers. The look in the face of her Keeper made her feel like a child that had misbehaved. Ignorant and foolish. But she was no child. She had closed the Breach, led the Inquisition, defeated Corypheus and probably _saved all of Thedas_ with her actions. She had been no child when she had left to spy at the Conclave and she was definitely no child now. And she _would not_ act like she was. Proudly she met the gaze of the Keeper even though her heart still hammered in her chest.

“Yes, it is true,” she declared with a firm voice. There was nothing she needed to justify.

Istimaethoriel slowly shook her head, the disappointment plainly visible. “You walked away as an adult and return to us as a child. What explanation do you have to offer?”

“I return the same as I was before,” she objected. “I am unchanged.” 

The power of the anchor in her hand, the knowledge of the ancient times Solas had granted her...it did influence her, she could not deny that. But all of this didn't make her a different person. If anything, her experiences had made her stronger. The anchor and the time with the Inquisition had not changed her _nature_.

The look in her Keeper's eyes told her she disagreed. Strongly.

“But you are, _da'len,_ ” Istimaethoriel declared gravely, still with that disappointed look on her face. Like it was a personal affront to the Keeper that she had returned bare-faced. And always calling her _da'len,_ belittling her as if to remind her she was unknowing. “You have betrayed your _elvhen_ heritage.” 

She nearly couldn't believe her ears. This was to much. She still remembered the day clearly when she had received her _vallaslin_. How proud she had been! Proud and yet knowing so little. And now that she _knew_ she should listen to her Keeper calling her a little child and a betrayer? She was not used to being treated like this anymore and she wouldn't take it. Not even from Istimaethoriel.

“You are wrong!” The words burst out, anger welling up inside her. “Those marks are _not_ what make us elven.”

She was on the verge of simply telling them. Yet still, there were doubts holding her back. She had always striven for knowledge and she was glad that Solas had shared the origins of the _vallaslin_ with her. He knew her. Knew that she would prefer the truth over a sweet lie, even if it was bitter. But could she really make that decision for her whole clan, for all of the Dalish? Should she reveal all their misconceptions about the knowledge they had been able to “preserve”?

Istimaethoriel's eyes narrowed slightly at her outburst. “You truly have forgotten the old ways if you think so.”

Oh, the irony of those words. She would have laughed if it all weren't so serious.

“The old ways were lost long ago,” she stated, not willing to back down. 

“It is _you_ who are lost.” Istimaethoriel regarded her coolly. “ I am sorry. I have failed you. I could not prevent the Dread Wolf from leading you astray and clouding your mind.”

Now the Keeper was blaming gods and doubting her mental capability? This was getting ridiculous. Ridiculous and awfully personal.

“Fen'Harel has nothing to do with this!” she clarified bitterly. “And I have certainly no _clouded mind_.”

“Then give me one reason to believe otherwise,” Istimaethoriel demanded haughtily. 

One reason. An explanation. She _could_ give it to them. And it _was_ the task of the Keeper to find lost knowledge and remember the past, wasn't it? 

“All right,” she finally decided. “If you truly want to know...” 

She breathed deeply. And then, when no one objected, as calmly as possible she told them. The truth. 

“I don't have my _vallaslin_ anymore because they were only used to mark slaves in _Arlathan_. The Dalish have forgotten what should have been remembered.”

“You are lying!” someone in the crowd behind her cried out in rage. Before she could even try to justify her claim. And it was not the only one. Other angry voices joined in, calling her a liar or a lunatic or a fool. She had never doubted this revelation would stir up a commotion, but the vehemence surprised her. That they rejected her words without considering if there could be some truth to them.

Istimaethoriel held up one hand and as quickly as the unrest had started, silence fell again. Then the older elf raised her voice. “I came here to find my First and only find her twisted remains, led into darkness by the Lord of Tricksters. I am sorry, _da'len_. It was wrong of me to send you to the Conclave.”

So that was it? The Keeper didn't believe her, too? Didn't even give her a chance to explain where she had gotten her knowledge and instead simply wrote it off as some delusional fantasy? She did not know what she had expected of her, but _that_ was certainly not it.

“Well, I am not sorry,” she finally said quietly. “I have seen and learned things I never would have otherwise.”

She did not say those words to spite her, she truly meant them. Even if going to the Conclave had made her lose the home she had, her friends, her family. She could not go back and would not wish for it. It was too late and she knew too much now.

“It pains me that you are unable to see through this deceit,” Istimaethoriel stated, unmoved. “You leave me no choice then. I relieve you of your duty. You are not my apprentice anymore.” 

It was only a symbolical gesture – after all she had not really been her apprentice for quite some time now and had not planned on staying with her clan – but it hurt nevertheless. 

Istimaethoriel continued, “the Creators have left you, _da'len._ You are forsaken.” 

“I don't think they have ever been at my side,” she remarked bitterly. “And neither yours.”

The Keeper went on like she had not spoken at all. “We will pray for Dirthamen to grant you the knowledge to make you see clear again and for Falon'Din to guide you back to us. May the Dread Wolf nevermore hear your steps.” 

_May the bloody Dread Wolf open your stubborn eyes,_ she cursed inwardly. _Dirthara ma._ But outwardly she kept her composure and instead of arguing further, she only nodded stiffly. “I understand.”

She was cast away and she was of no mind to overstay her welcome. Maybe she should never have followed her friend here. She might have chosen not to, if she had known what this visit would result in. 

“ _Dareth shiral,_ ” she said quietly and turned away from the Keeper. The other elves all stared at her as she slowly walked away. No one said anything or made an attempt to hold her back. This time there were no farewells for her. 

She let her feet carry her away. Away from the camp, from the sad and angry and disappointed eyes of all those people who had been the only friends and family she had had for the greatest part of her life. She never would have thought she would ever end this way. A Dalish without vallaslin and now without a clan. What did that make her?


	12. Chapter 12

A First who had lost her belief in the Creators. A disappointment. A failure. Well, now she was not even a First anymore. Had something like this happened before? Was there a Dalish that had been turned away by their own clan? She made her way through the forest, not even bothering with a torch this time. Her eyes were good enough to find her way back to the camp even without light.

In the darkness the small fire was visible from afar. Her friends were probably already waiting for her. After all she had stayed away for longer than she had planned. She could already see the two figures near the campfire. Coming nearer she recognized Cole, hugging his knees while staring into the flames and Dorian reading one of the books he had brought. Or was it one of hers?

Cole was the first to notice her approach.

“You are alone,” he greeted her with sadness in his big eyes.

“I am,” she answered quietly, as she stepped into the light of the fire. Alone in more than one way. And that was probably exactly what Cole had meant.

Dorian looked up from his book and peered lazily in her direction. “Morrigan's not with you?”

“No, should she be?” she asked surprised and took a seat at the fire beside them. The book in Dorian's hand was in fact one she had taken with her. _Elvehan Diis Falsis: Triew Metod Dracas_ , one of those she had found in between Solas's research documents.

“Morrigan wanted to take a look at the ruins you mentioned,” the Tevinter mage explained. “She went there after we had set everything up here. You should have met her.”

“I didn't see her,” she stated evasively but Dorian noticed.

Closing the book he eyed her critically. “You have not been at the ruins this whole time, have you? What happened?”

“I haven't,” she agreed hesitantly. The way Dorian still looked at her, he would not be satisfied with this answer and Cole probably knew already anyway. After a short pause she continued. “I visited my former clan.”

Dorian arched an eyebrow.“I thought you were living in the Free Marches?” Then his eyes widened in surprise. “Wait. Did you say _former_ clan?”

“Well you'll have to share your role of the charming pariah now,” she smiled weakly. For so much time home had been where her clan was. True, since she had been with the Inquisition this had changed, but the idea of her being an outcast was nevertheless hard to grasp. Would she ever be able to return to her clan? She was afraid of the answer.

“What happened?” Dorian asked, concern in his voice.

“Not much. I went to talk to them,” she answered truthfully. “And then I have proven myself unworthy to be a keeper of knowledge for the Dalish.”

“You? Seriously?” Dorian's voice was incredulous. “I know few who are as interested and well-versed in history as you are. Or, for that matter, would be more suitable to keep knowledge.”

“There are those who seem to think differently. I may have put forth some unpopular opinions on our past,” she recounted. “I brought shame to the elven heritage and our gods. And so I was _relieved of my duties._ ”

“Oh,” he mouthed. “I'm sorry.”

She shrugged, trying not to dwell on her fear to have lost them forever. She already had an abundance of similar worries since Solas had left. “I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. There are many who are afraid of change. It was wrong of me to presume _I_ could make a difference.”

After all even Solas had been turned away by the Dalish. How could she have thought it a good idea to simply tell them? She had been carried away by her _wish_ for them to know. Because she still had some hope left that there was some way to restore what was lost.

“But you _can_ make a difference. You already have,” Dorian tried to cheer her up. 

“He's right. You can.” Cole agreed with him. “You help people. You help us all.”

Her mouth twisted unhappily and when she still didn't say anything, Dorian spoke on. “You do remember the future we saw in Redcliffe, yes? Tell me the world we saw there is no different than the one we are living in now.”

She did not want to think about this other future. The one where she had seen Solas sacrifice his life for her. Where she had seen his dead body with her own eyes, lifeless, impaled on the sword of a Venatori warrior. She pushed the thoughts away. He was alive and her friends were right. She _had_ the power to bring change, even if she didn't feel this way right now.

“I only wish I could show them. Like he has shown me...” She trailed off. If Solas truly was an ancient elf he would know so much. What he had told her must have been only a fragment of all of his knowledge. How she wished to find him, how she _needed_ answers.

Dorian watched her seriously. “I know you think Solas needs your help.” There was a short pause before he continued speaking. “But what if he isn't? What if he turns you away?” _Again_. The  wordremained unspoken and yet she heard it all too clearly.

She had thought about this, had worried about the case that she could have misunderstood Solas's words. And still it was difficult for her to answer this question. 

“Will you let go?” Dorian asked quietly. 

She did not want this to happen, never wanted to be forced to make this decision. But if it did come to this, she would have no choice. As hard as it would be for her.

“If he truly doesn't want to be with me anymore...if this is what he chooses,” she swallowed. “Then I will respect his decision.”


	13. Chapter 13

Nearly three weeks were gone since they had left Skyhold. Three long weeks and still nothing. She had expected her friends to leave her when they didn't make any progress. She definitely wouldn't fault them if they chose so. But to her surprise no one of them had voiced any kind of complaint. 

And still they were heading west. They had crossed the Exalted Plains, Verchiel and the Heartlands, had searched countless of ruins on their way. Like they did now. Morrigan always seemed to know where they could find the scattered remains of the ancient temples and tombs of her people. Probably the influence of the Well of Sorrows. 

“This seems to be a shrine of sorts,” Morrigan remarked, reading the inscription at the foot of one of the elven statues. 

“Nothing else the well is telling you?”, she asked, looking around. Cole and Dorian had gone ahead to look around in room to her left, she could see the green light of their torches of veilfire. To her right there were the collapsed remains of another hallway. 

“Nothing of interest.” The witch straightened again. “I suggest we keep looking for more information.”

“Maybe Dorian or Cole found something,” she said, trying not to get her hopes up. There had been too many disappointments in the past already. 

When they entered the room, Dorian was heading towards them. “There's no sign of any living creature being here in the past months,” he reported. “I don't think we got lucky this time. Again.” 

With a soft sigh she nodded. Failure after failure. Once again no luck in finding anything related to Solas, it seemed. She wondered if they were even still going in the right direction or if he had changed his course at some point. It took her another moment until she noticed the giant statue. A wolf, lying there, looking attentively in her direction.

“Fen'Harel again,” she muttered, eyeing the great stone wolf. 

In the temple of Mythal, the temple of Dirthamen, all over the Emerald Graves...the wolf statues could be found in all those unlikely places. She should get used to seeing them where she never would have expected them. 

Apart from the statue and some rubble the room was empty. And there were no other doors that could take them to unexplored parts of the ruins, parts where she could still hope to find traces of an elven traveler. 

“It looks like the pictures Solas painted.” Cole's voice carried over to her. She looked up and saw him staring at the wall in front of him. 

In an instant she was at his side. It was an elven fresco he was looking at, depicting a great black wolf with red eyes hunting a herd of halla. She knew that story. What surprised her, was that the wolf looked just like the ones Solas had painted in Skyhold. Maybe it was more than a coincidence. Maybe he did have a connection to Fen'Harel after all. She was not sure what to make of this thought. Solas as a disciple of the Dread Wolf. It seemed so unlike him. He valued wisdom, subtlety, thoughtfulness, things that were opposite to what the trickster god represented.   
But had he not spoken up for Fen'Harel in the temple of Mythal? All those other stories on the Creators were only that. Stories. Why should the legend of the Dread Wolf be any different? Maybe he wasn't a being of pure evil and spite. 

“This does look similar to his murals,” Dorian agreed thoughtfully.

Morrigan nodded. “These paintings are ancient. As is the technique.”

Yet another piece of information that hinted at Solas being more than he had appeared to be. Ancient painting techniques didn't strike her as a skill one would take up traveling the Fade. 

“Do you think it's possible? That Solas could have been in uthenera?” she asked quietly. She had kept this to herself but the more she thought about it the less absurd it seemed. 

“After the events at the temple of Mythal we know that it may very well be possible,” Morrigan remarked. “'Tis something to consider.”

“It would explain a lot,” Dorian threw in. “This book he read? Ancient Tevene, even I don't understand everything of it. And I am a historian, not a self-taught apostate.”

“He is really old,” Cole said softly, still facing the wall. 

She gave Cole a sidelong glance and wondered if he might have known all along. The reactions of her friends certainly made her even more inclined to believe that her thoughts on Solas could be true. But if he truly was immortal, what had made him wake up? And if he had no vallaslin, did that mean he had been a noble in the times of Arlathan? Why had he not told her about his nature?

Questions and more questions the longer she spent thinking about it and no answers. Yet with no hint to where he was, if she was even getting closer or if she searched in the completely wrong direction, she had no hope of getting these questions answered soon. She knew she couldn't keep aimlessly wandering the countryside and hope to run into him through pure luck.

To find him per chance she would need a miracle. But like she had told her keeper, there were no gods that would help her. No Maker and no Creators. 

She had met one of their so-called gods. Mythal the protector. The All-Mother. How often had she prayed to her and the other elven gods when she was younger. Abelas had said Mythal had been slain. And Asha'bellanar had claimed that Mythal had come to her. Mythal, or her spirit. She wouldn't have believed it, if not for the confirmation of Morrigan and the knowledge of the well.  
Was that what her gods where? Spirits? Or simply powerful mages, like Solas seemed to believe?

What mattered was that the Creators wouldn't help her. She understood that now, after meeting Mythal. She knew that her prayers wouldn't be heard. She knew, not to simply trust in faith or gods to help her. Yet all this time since that day which had left her without a clan she had been wondering. All this talk about the Creators had gotten her thinking. 

Even if they were no gods, it didn't matter. They were powerful and thus this could be a way to gain knowledge. It was risky, but she was willing to take that risk for even the slightest chance of getting to know where Solas was. She didn't need a god. She only needed someone powerful. And there was one being she had never prayed to. One who was said to still walk the Fade and sometimes grant his knowledge to mortals.


	14. Chapter 14

She was sitting in front of the Dread Wolf's statue on the rough stone floor in the elven temple, a small flask of diluted liquid lyrium in her hands. They would spend the night here in these ruins and she figured that now was a good a time as any to try and follow through with her plan to obtain help from Fen'Harel. If that could even be called a plan.

“You want to call to Fen'Harel?” The disapproval in Morrigan's voice was obvious.

She looked up to her. The other woman was standing at her side with her arms crossed. “Am I sensing dislike for my decision?”

“Only because he was not the one to murder Mythal does not mean he is not responsible for the betrayal of the elven gods,” Morrigan remarked. “Most stories have a core of truth.”

“Do the voices warn caution?” she inquired.

“They are silent on the matter,” Morrigan admitted. “I am simply offering my own opinion. It seems unwise to pray to an unknown entity with a reputation such as his.”

She shrugged and turned to face the wolf again. “I would not call it praying. That would imply I thought him a god.” If the witch's opinion wasn't founded on the knowledge of the well, her guess on the Dread Wolf was as good as anyone's.

“Then what, pray tell, would _you_ call it?” Morrigan asked pointedly.

“I will simply ask him for knowledge,” she answered. He probably wouldn't come anyway, so it was likely all of this would only amount to a conversation with herself.

“You may not think him a god,” the other woman said slowly. “But let me remind you that I didn't believe in Mythal's existence at the time. Much less the geass that is now placed on me.” 

Curtly she nodded. “I am aware of this.”

She had considered this and still didn't care. Morrigan seemed to notice that discussing the matter further would not lead to anything. 

“'Tis your decision,” the witch finally responded turning away from her. 

With a last look at the face of the stone wolf in front of her, she brought the small flask of lyrium to her lips and closed her eyes. She didn't fear becoming a abomination, she had wandered the Fade often in the last few weeks and not only in her dreams, but also with the help of lyrium. 

She wished she would be able to dream like Solas, to be able to visit the Fade at will and to see all those things he had spoken of with her own eyes. But even with the power of her mark she needed the aid of lyrium if she wanted to have full control when entering the Fade. 

When she opened her eyes again she found herself in the now all to familiar barren landscape of the Fade. She could sense no presence nearby, neither spirits nor demons. And certainly no elven god. Only rocks hovering above the ground and the shadows of the black city looming in the distance.  Slowly she began walking. She didn't know what she had expected but this was exactly like looking for Solas. And somehow she had the feeling that she would be just as successful. 


	15. Chapter 15

Her first impression proved itself to be true. The Great Wolf had not come to her in the past nights. By now she had tried with and without the lucidity-enhancing effect of lyrium. Yet still her dreams were her own.

She had heard stories of artifacts capable of summoning Fen'Harel but she doubted it to be wise, to call such a powerful being to her against his will. But in the end it was meaningless to ponder if she would make use of it or not as long as she had no such artifact. If something like this even existed.

Yet the others didn't seem to mind her lack of success. They were patient, really wanted to help her find him – or at least Dorian an Cole did. Morrigan obviously had her own agenda.

She curled up beside the campfire. The flames were burning low and Cole and Dorian were already asleep. They had traveled far today, no wonder they were exhausted. How lucky she was to have friends like them, willing to stick with her even through this whole mess. 

Yawning she wrapped herself up in her blanket. If only they could use the eluvians to travel. It would be so much faster. And they would find all the forgotten elven ruins without even having to search for them. Her thoughts wandered to the wolf statues. Right, she remembered tiredly, she still had to make today's request to Fen'Harel. To find Solas...

Her eyes fell shut. Maybe she could ignore this for tonight. After all the Dread Wold had not seemed inclined to listen until now.

When she came to her senses again, she was in Haven. In a dream, of course. She recognized the small village at once and by now noticing when she was dreaming had become easy to her. She had learned much since the first time she had come here in her sleep. That fateful day when she had been here with Solas. _You change everything,_ his words echoed in her mind. Not only for him everything had changed. 

But now she was alone in front of the Chantry. She gazed at the Breach in the sky and slowly began walking. Unconsciously her feet took her to the house of the alchemist. 

Sadly she smiled to herself. Where else would her feet take her? After all this was the place she had always gone to when she had needed someone to talk. When she wanted to listen to his voice and the beautiful stories he could tell about Arlathan. 

Tonight not even his memory was here. The whole town was deserted. And yet here in this dream the Breach was still in the sky. If it still was there, why not Solas? _It is a dream_ , she reminded herself. There was no sense in wondering about it. She turned around and headed towards the gates.

Pushing them open she left Haven and walked by the lonely workshop of the blacksmith. She missed the clashing of swords and shields at the training ground. The silence was almost eerie. Slowly she followed the path towards the Breach. Maybe she could try to close it again. 

It didn't take her long to reach the forest even though she took her time. A soft noise, like the rustling of leaves carried over to her. She peered into the thick undergrowth. There was no wind that could have caused this sound. A rabbit maybe or a deer?

And then she saw it. 

For a moment she was so surprised that she could do nothing but stare. There was a great wolf between trees. A wolf with shaggy black fur and six red eyes glowing in the shadows of the forest. And he was unmistakably watching her. 


	16. Chapter 16

He had found her again in the remnants of Haven. It seemed she _was_ still looking for him after all. He had half expected her to have given up on her futile search for him, so many nights had passed since he had last seen her. And he still wasn't quite sure if he felt selfishly elated that she still cared for him or worried for her sake.

He did feel guilty though, that he had once more let himself get carried away by his emotions and that he followed her as she was heading towards the Breach. It was wrong. Everything about this was wrong. He couldn't afford to be distracted and yet here he was, unable to let go, watching out for her in her dreams and making sure she was alright.

It was not supposed to be this way. She should have moved on without him. He should walk the path he had chosen in solitude. And still he kept coming back, searching for her. Like she came searching for him.

She paused in her ascent towards the Breach and he waited for a moment, idly wondering what could have caused her to stop now. There was nothing of interest here. But then her eyes locked with his. He could do nothing but stare back at her.

How could she have seen him? He had stayed in the shadows, far from her eyes. He had always been careful. This was what he had promised himself to avoid, for her sake as much as for his. A smile spread across her face.

“You finally choose to show yourself.” She looked directly at him, sounding pleased. With slow, cautious steps she came nearer, as if her presence could drive him away again. But his body was frozen like that of a panicked deer. That she had seen him had become immaterial in a matter of moments.

He still wore the body of the wolf, why was she happy to see him? Shouldn't she be afraid? Or at least surprised? She seemed like she had waited for him. Waited for Fen'Harel?

_She knew._ The thought hit him abruptly.

This was not possible. How had she found out who he was? How could she know it was _him_? But did it matter?

She knew and even though he was the Dread Wolf there was no revulsion in her eyes. No betrayal or rejection. He felt his feet take a step towards her. When he realized what he was doing it took him all of his willpower to stay where he was. No. He couldn't. That she knew changed nothing. He couldn't get her involved in his plans.

In front of him she came to a halt. “Fen'Harel. I am grateful and honored that you are willing to hear my request.”

With these words it dawned on him. She _didn't_ know. Or at least she didn't know he was Solas. To presume that she had come to know the truth about him and would still be happy to see him was little more than wishful thinking. She had called to Fen'Harel and thought he was in her dreams in answer to her prayers. He should not have jumped to conclusions. When he didn't react to her greeting she continued.

“I am sure that whatever offering you demand in compensation for your knowledge I am willing and capable to provide.”

She looked at him, proud and determined and beautiful and it made his heart ache. This was not an offering one made lightly. Especially not to the Dread Wolf. He wanted to tell her that she didn't need the help of Fen'Harel. That she didn't need the help of any of the so-called elven gods. That what she was looking for was right in front of her. It was different to when she was unaware of his presence. He could barely keep himself from reaching out to her. She was so close. Only one step and he could hold her in his arms again.

One step and a wall of lies.

He was not Solas now. He was Fen'Harel and he could not allow himself to be close to her again.

And while he could not be with her, at the same time he could not push her away.

He should finally tell her the truth about everything. The truth he knew she deserved. Maybe she would abandon her search for him if she found out. Or maybe it would change nothing.

There was not even she smallest hint of fear in her eyes as she awaited his answer expectantly.

It was him who was afraid. Yet again he had not been able to anticipate her actions. Like so often before she had surprised him once more. Never had he considered that she would turn to the _Dread Wolf_ in her search for him. If only she knew the irony. And despite of all this he knew he would not reveal the truth to her now. Once before he had resolved to tell her and instead he had talked about the _vallaslin_.

And now that he looked at her, completely unafraid in the presence of the betrayer of her gods he didn't know what he feared more: That she would loathe him or that she would forgive him. If she truly forgave him, would he have the strength to follow through with his plan? To abandon her once more, even knowing she would willingly accept him back? He had already come so close to simply forgetting everything. To lose himself in that blissful happiness.

No. She could never know. Not this.

Not her.

Without a word he turned away. There was nothing he could do for her. She never should have seen him. Once again he had raised her hopes only to shatter them.

“Wait!” The slight panic creeping into her voice made the guilt sting even sharper. Involuntarily he stopped in mid-stride.

“Let go.” The words were little more than a low growl, but still they were too much. They were not the words of the Dread Wolf but those of Solas. Inwardly he cursed his lack of restraint and before she could ask any more questions he stepped out of the dream.

He was a coward and he was a fool. Everything he did made matters only worse. But he couldn't give up his obligation to the People.

And he would not look for her again.


	17. Chapter 17

“Wait!” she cried out once more, but it was already too late. Fen'Harel was gone.

She stared at the void he had left. She didn't understand. Why would he come to her, why would he show himself if he didn't consider to take up her proposition? If he didn't even so much as _talk_ to her?! Had she done something wrong?

She would have given him anything and all he had to say to her was _let go_?!

Why would he tell her that? Why would the Dread Wolf tell her to give up her hunt instead of accepting her offering?

She had been so close! So close to finally getting some hint to help her on her search for Solas. And yet again her hope had brought her nothing but frustration. It made her angry.

“Damn it!” She sat bolt upright in her blanket beside the remains of the campfire. It was still dark but the dawn would come soon.

“Damn it”, she hissed again softly, burying her face in her hands. Slowly she ran out of ideas. Nothing in all those ruins she had traveled to, nothing in her dreams. And now no help from Fen'Harel. What else could she do but simply keep on going west, blindly searching every ruin she came across? It was a futile endeavor and she knew it.

“Bad dream?” Dorian stirred beside her.

She chuckled mirthlessly. “You might say that.”

When he let out a tired yawn, she looked at him apologetically. “Sorry. I didn't want to wake you.”

“No worries...You may repay my loss of beauty sleep and take my shift next night”, he answered with a wink.

“I always take your shift already.” Cole's voice came out of the darkness.

“I know, I know, I was only joking. We can't have our dear Inquisitor skip out on her search in the Fade after all.” He paused and looked at her critically. “So...knowing you that probably wasn't a common nightmare? Did you have some success in the Fade?”

She shook her head. “No success. Well, I met Fen'Harel.”

“But that's what you wanted, isn't it?”, Dorian asked, a confused expression in his face.

“Well yes. Theoretically. But he was not inclined to help.” She snorted. “He simply told me to let go.”

She should not get so worked up over this, should not have expected anything from her meeting with the trickster god. She tried to tell herself that this was only a minor setback, that she didn't really need the help of the Dread Wolf, but still her anger wouldn't leave her.

Dorian raised an incredulous eyebrow. “And...that's it? That's the fabled counsel of an elven god? Even _Bull_ could have told you that. On an afterthought, he probably  did tell you exactly that.”

Helplessly she shrugged. “I have no idea why, but yes, he simply vanished after giving me this profound advice.”

Dorian sighed. “Charming fellow, that Dread Wolf. He'd get along splendidly with Solas.”

That thought made a bitter smile creep across her lips. She would certainly make sure to ask Solas about the Dread Wolf. If she ever got the opportunity.

If he had only told her about his past...if he had told her what he was planning, why he had to leave. Everything could have been so much easier. For both of them.

“Maybe he was not prepared to talk to you yet”, Cole suggested.

For a moment she thought, he had read her mind again and was talking about Solas before she realized he was referring to her meeting with Fen'Harel.

“But why?!” Her voice was harsher than she had intended. “Why would he come if he didn't want to talk to me?! It doesn't even make sense!”

The trickster god was not one to refuse an offering. Not in any of the stories she knew about him would he have acted the way he had in this dream. What could he hope to gain by this? Was the Dread Wolf mocking her? His advice or help always was a double-edged sword. Cunning and at the same time dangerous.

“ _Let go_ ” was nothing of the kind. It was nothing like Fen'Harel. But obviously all the stories she had been told about him or the Creators were not really accurate. So how could she assume to know what the advice of the Dread Wolf would be like?

Well, it certainly should not be like what she had gotten.

“It doesn't make sense”, she muttered again.

Dorian lightly patted her back. “Come on, don't bother your pretty head about this guy. Maker knows you already have enough on your mind with the _other_ one.”

“You are right”, she agreed and got up. “I won't get closer to finding Solas from contemplating the reasons behind Fen'Harels actions. And it's already dawning. We should get moving soon.” She peered into the woods. “Do you know where Morrigan is?”

“Morrigan is still gone”, Cole answered.

She nodded. “Then let's just get our things ready so we can depart as soon as she returns.”

They didn't have to wait long for the witch to arrive. Something was different from usual, as Morrigan hurried towards them.

“There is something that might interest you”, she began to explain. “The voices of the Well are telling me where to go. Mythal is calling us – or rather you specifically – to her.” Morrigan looked directly at her and paused. “I am told that the one you are searching for will soon arrive.”

She gaped at the witch, unable to comprehend what she had just been told. Mythal was calling her to a place where Solas would soon come to? Her mind was racing.

“How? Where will he come?” She nearly couldn't believe this. It was simply too good to be true.

“'Tis hard to explain. I know the way and I know we should make haste to arrive before him. That is all.”

She didn't have to be told twice. In an instant she was on her horse. “Lead us there!”, she urged determinedly.

Against her better judgment, a happy smile spread across her lips. After all this time blindly searching in darkness, should it really be this easy? She couldn't help but hope.

So instead of Fen'Harel it was Mythal in the end, who had answered her plea...


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *drops a chapter and flies away*   
> (I'm really so ashamed it took me that long to post something again...)

West. At least the general direction they had been traveling had been right. Her heart raced at the thought of finally being able to see Solas again.

 _Let go.._. She shook her head dismissively. She certainly wouldn't heed this piece of advice.

Still, she was wondering what Fen'Harel had been thinking to tell her something like that. It was not like the help of the Dread Wolf. It was maybe what Solas would have said, would he see her searching for him after all that time.

Solas? Her eyes went wide. No. It could not be. She let out a somewhat hysterical laugh. Her ideas were getting ridiculous. Still she couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to it. She shook her head determinedly.

Soon they would arrive at the place Mythal was leading them to. Then she would see Solas again. And make him explain everything to her, like he had promised. He owed her that much, didn't he? And then there would be no more need for stupid theories like this. Seriously...that he was an ancient elf and had been in _uthenera_ was one thing, but that he was Fen'Harel?

_Uthenera_...Had he not said that he had never imagined to find someone to draw his attention from the Fade like she did? At the time she hadn't thought too much about it, but now? Elves entered _uthenera_ when there was nothing more in life for them. Had he been tired of life? It was a sad thought. But then...What had made him wake up?

There were so many questions she had to ask him. So many things she wanted to confirm. All this time alone had really made her overthink every little detail. 

But when she met him all of this wouldn't be necessary anymore. He would explain everything. She would finally _understand_. And get the opportunity to make clear to him that she would stay by his side. No matter what might happen.

“How long until we get there?”

Morrigan's answer came immediately. “We will arrive in about two hours if we keep riding at this pace.”

She nodded. Two hours. It sounded like such a short time after all those weeks of fruitless searching. And still it felt far too long. If only she could already see him again with her own eyes. And see that he was fine.

She was so engulfed in her thoughts that she only noticed that something was wrong when Dorian's barrier materialized around her. 

“Watch out!”, he called out and only a moment later a rain of arrows hailed down around her. Luckily doing no damage thanks to Dorian's fast reaction. An ambush?! In an instant she brought her own staff up. 

“So, glad that you brought us along, now?” Dorian grinned at her bringing his horse to her side. Obviously terribly pleased with himself. 

She cursed under her breath when she saw the horsemen in heavy armor obstructing the road ahead. Bandits?! At a time like this? 

At the side of the road was only forest. They wouldn't be able to flee that way. And the archers had to be in there somewhere. With no other way to go, their horses were forced to a stop. “They blocked the path ahead.” 

At the same time footsoldiers rushed in from the bushes. “The Inquisition!” one of them called out. “Take them out!”

“Damn it!”, she cursed under her breath and cast another barrier to shield her group from the next attack. They didn't have time for this. Solas was so near. She couldn't let that chance to meet him get taken away by some random highwaymen!

“Ungrateful bunch”, Dorian remarked at her side. “You go and save Thedas and there _still_ are people after your head...”

He flicked a flame in their direction.

“What are you waiting for?” She heard Cole's voice even though she couldn't see him. One moment later two of the men in front fell from their horses, their throats slit.

“Go on, we will take care of them for you!” A wall of fire sprang up at her side, blocking the bandits at the sidelines from the fight. Dorian already had dismounted and was whirling his staff around. “Didn't you hear him? Push forward, we will keep them occupied!”

She took down two more enemies with a veilstrike. “I can't leave you alone!”

There were too many. The four of them could do it, they were all experienced fighters after all. But how long would it take to take them all down? Too long, probably. But would Dorian and Cole be able to deal with them alone?

“They are right. 'Tis not the time to be delayed here.” Morrigan's voice was calm even as one of her spells froze several of the attacking bandits. “He will be gone again if we arrive too late.”

Still she hesitated. Cole and Dorian seemed confident, but would they really be alright?

Dorian winked. “Can't let him get away again now, can you?”

“You don't need to worry.” Cole assured her.

“We don't have much time left.” Morrigan reminded her. As if she needed reminding. “You have to decide now or the chance will be lost.”

Finally she nodded. They were right. Cole and Dorian were strong, they would be fine. She pressed her feet into the sides of her horse.

“Cole, Dorian! Be careful!”

“Just bring him back with you. We'll be waiting for you!”

With full speed she rode on, facing the horsemen in front. Her friends would be fine.

Her mind blast dazzled the bandits blocking her path. As fast as she could she raced her horse past the enemy lines. Morrigan followed after her.

Directly after they had passed them another wall of flames grew behind them, hindering the horsemen from following them.

Together with Morrigan she pushed on, without slowing down.

She would meet Solas and she would bring him back with her. Dorian and Cole were waiting for them.


	19. Chapter 19

The ruins they arrived at were vast. From the looks of it maybe even as great as the temple of Mythal.

In front of one of the remaining arcs leading deeper into the ruins Morrigan dismounted from her horse. “We have arrived.”

She followed her example and looked around. A broad alley lined by tree-like pillars led away from the arc they had arrived at. Everything was overgrown by moss and there was magic lingering in the air. She could feel the distinct tingling of the veil on her skin. It was a familiar feeling.

So this was the place Solas would come to. Her heart felt light at the thought. She still couldn't believe she would finally see him again. How long had it been since she had been able to see him? The real him, not his illusion in the Fade. It had been months by now, since their defeat of Corypheus.

“'Tis time for you to go on alone now.”

The words of the witch pulled her out of her reverie. “You are not coming with me?”

Morrigan shook her head and took the reins of her horse out of her hands. “I only was to serve as your guide to this place. I will wait here for your return.”

That surprised her. The other woman had brought her here so she could meet Solas again, but didn't she want to meet him as well? She wanted to know if there was a way to remove her connection to Mythal, didn't she? Maybe there was something else after all?

Reluctantly she agreed. “Alright. Thank you for coming all this way with me.”

Morrigan nodded curtly in her direction and led the horses a few feet away.

She turned around and stepped through the arc. A path lined by great pillars lead her into the temple. The place seemed ancient. The atmosphere really was like in the temple of Mythal...And some of the tree-like structures reminded her of the Crossing.

This was definitely a place of the People. She wondered what Solas was planning to do here.

At the temple of Mythal there had been the Well of Sorrows and an _eluvian_. Was an equally powerful artifact to be found here? Other forgotten magics from the times of Arlathan? Maybe something to replace the power of the orb he had lost?

She followed the broad path, wondering where it was leading her. She passed a crossing where the alleys of two other entrances joined the one she was walking on and went onward. There were mosaics on the floor. Dragons and wolves. The symbols of Mythal and Fen'Harel. It really was strange.

By now she had met both of them in person. Had met those beings she had revered and feared as gods not all that long ago.

The mark on her hand glowed softly. She had learned so much. Unconsciously her hand wandered to her face tracing the now invisible lines where her _vallaslin_ had been. And everything thanks to him.

She arrived at a great staircase and stopped. That had to be it. She had the feeling that if she went up there she would be at her destination.

“Solas.” She whispered his name to herself.

If she ascended those stairs she would only have to wait for him to arrive. And he _would_ arrive. She _would_ see him again.

With new vigor to her steps she went up the stairs. She stepped through another great arc and found herself looking at an alleyway. In surprise she stopped. It led towards a giant _eluvian_. And in front of it...was a woman?

“You are right in time.” The voice was familiar. Of course it was not any woman who awaited her here. It was Asha'Bellanar. Or rather Mythal, the one who had led her here, herself.

She walked along the alley and towards her. The woman wore an enigmatic smile on her lips.

When she arrived in front of her, she bowed her head in gratitude. “I thank you for your help. I am truly grateful to you for leading me to this place.”

Mythal chuckled. “I'm not sure you should be thanking me just yet, girl.”

Confused she looked up again. What was that supposed to mean? If Solas was coming here, she couldn't wish for anything better. Or...did that mean he wasn't coming? Had it been a false hope all along?

She swallowed, her heart sinking. “Solas...he _is_ coming here, is he?”

“He will be here shortly.” Mythal looked in the direction she had come from. “I know he will come.”

A wide smile spread across her face even though she tried her best to stay composed. Those words made her feel so light. “Then there is no question as to whether I should thank you.”

For a moment Mythal looked at her with a thoughtful expression on her face. Then she gestured towards the side of the alleyway.

“When he sees you he will avoid you again. If you want answers to your questions, wait.”

She looked at Mythal in surprise, already an objection ready. She couldn't just hide herself out of view. Hadn't she waited long enough by now? She wanted to meet Solas again and as soon as possible! But the more she thought about it, the more she began to doubt if that really was what she should do.

Mythal was probably right. Solas _had_ avoided her and the Inquisition all along, after all. She had to approach him at the right time and make sure she could convince him not to leave again. She'd have to carefully try to tell him she knew more. That she knew about him having lived at the times of Arlathan. That she would stay with him no matter what, that he could trust her and that she would always be there for him.

Finally she nodded. “Alright. I will do as you say.”

She took a step towards the pillars and looked back to Mythal.

“Thank you for everything”, she repeated one last time and then headed to the side of the alley. There were some remains of a stone wall which would hide her. She sat down and leaned her head against the stone, closing her eyes, hoping she had come to the right decision.

Alright, she had to calm down. He would soon arrive here. And didn't want to be found, so she had to make sure she got the chance to talk to him, _before_ he decided to leave again.


	20. Chapter 20

It seemed like she had been sitting there for an eternity, waiting for Solas to come, even though it had probably been no more than a few minutes. But the longer she had to wait, the more her anxiety grew inside of her. Hiding like this felt _wrong_. Maybe she should simply walk out there, go to the side of Mythal and await him after all? No, that also didn't seem like such a good idea. Nervously she glimpsed out of the ruin to see if he had already arrived.

Mythal was still standing in front of the _eluvian_ , but Solas was not there yet. How did he even know of this place? And why was Mythal waiting for him? Were they connected somehow?

She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She had been given this chance and she would not waste it. She would definitely make Solas understand!

Suddenly the clear voice of Mythal cut through the silence.

“I knew you would come.”

Her head whirled around and her heart skipped a beat.

There he was. Solas. It truly was him. He really had come here! Solas walked up to Mythal and she felt the tears starting to well up in her eyes. She was so happy to see him again, so happy to see with her own eyes that he was alright, healthy, _alive_.

There was no time for waiting. She wanted to run out there, take him in her arms. And never let go again. Giddily she got up. Solas was here!

“You should not have given your orb to Corypheus, Dread Wolf.”

She froze in mid-step.

It all fell into place when she heard those two words. Dread Wolf. It did make sense. His boundless knowledge on the elven heritage. His anger at the Dalish. All those comments in the temple of Mythal. The strange behavior of Fen'Harel in her dream. So the guess she had dismissed as ridiculous been right?

Sure enough, Solas didn't deny it. “I was too weak to unlock it after my slumber.”

His voice sounded pained and she got the feeling she was listening in on something not meant for her ears. Could she really come out now of all times? She wanted to. Yet why would her feet not move? It was like she was frozen in place, stunned by this new revelation that shouldn't be that new to her at all.

Solas was Fen'Harel.

Yes, she had entertained the possibility, but knowing it now with certainty was an entirely different thing.

Solas was the Dread Wolf.

It had been Solas in her dream. Solas had told her to leave him alone.

And...he had given his orb to Corypheus? It had been his orb? The orb of their people, the ancient artifact belonging to an elven god.

How could she have been so blind?

“The failure was mine. I should pay the price. But the People, they need me.“

She tried to calm her thoughts and steady her breathing. Solas was Fen'Harel and it changed nothing. He was the man she had fallen in love with and that was all that mattered.

What was way more disconcerting to her...why did he sound like he was in such unbearable agony?

What was he planning to do? What price was he talking about?!

_I now must walk in solitude forever. My fate is mine alone. I would not wish it on an enemy, much less someone that I once cared for._

The memory of those words echoed through her mind.

“I am so sorry.”

She had come here to finally see him again. She wanted to be at his side. Nothing had changed. She would share his fate, that had been her resolve all along. This was not the time to hesitate!

“I am sorry as well, old friend.”

Finally she stepped out from behind the pillar. Only to freeze mid-step a moment later.

His magic was different. She saw it, but more than that she felt it. She couldn't begin to guess what kind of spell he had used, but Mythal instantly collapsed in his arms, her whole body gray, like ashes.

She could only watch as he laid the now motionless body gently on the ground.

Slowly, like sleep-walking she made a step towards him, her mind blank.

“Solas?”, she asked, her voice wavering.

Another step.

Solas sharply turned around and looked in her direction, his eyes burning with blue fire.

“Solas?” With wide eyes she looked from the corpse to Solas. “What...what are you doing?”

She didn't understand.

But he would explain everything now, wouldn't he?

She had found him. Finally she had found him! Everything would become clear now, wouldn't it?


	21. Chapter 21

She stared at Solas and for a moment he stared back at her. Now. Now she would get all her answers. He would explain everything, like he had promised. Explain why he had left her, what he was planning. Why Mythal was lying there, dead. There had to be a reason, right? He would not simply kill her... He knew what he was doing and if he only told her, everything would make sense again.

But instead of saying anything he simply got up and turned away from her, now facing the _eluvian_. Her gaze was fixated on his back. What was that supposed to mean? He couldn't seriously want to...

When she realized what he was about to do everything snapped into place again.

He was leaving.

“No!”, she cried out and began running. “Wait!”

She raced towards him, as fast as she could, but he was already at the mirror. He didn't even look in her direction when his hand touched the _eluvian's_ surface and transformed it into liquid.

“Solas!” Desperately, she reached out for him. She was so close. Only a few more steps and she would be at his side. A few more steps!

A moment later he was already disappearing into the mirror. And then she was there herself. Her fingers touched the surface of the _eluvian_. It was frozen again. Too late. She had been too late. She broke down into a miserable heap in front of the mirror.

Not again! She could not let him get away from her again. Not after everything that had happened! But now he was gone, following this lonely path of his towards some terrible fate. She buried her face in her hands. What was he thinking?!

Mythal...was dead. She glanced over to the ashen corpse. She didn't understand anything anymore. And the only one who could have answered her questions was gone, leaving her behind again with no means to follow.

She touched the cold surface of the mirror again. If only she had been a bit faster. If she had had a better grasp of the situation, if she hadn't just stood there frozen by her surprise... If she had come out sooner...maybe everything would be different then.

The flapping of wings made her look up again. A black raven was flying towards her, transforming into the familiar form of a woman. Morrigan hurried towards her.

“What happened?!”

Of course. She must have noticed some anomaly with her being bound to the Well of Sorrows. She couldn't bring herself to look up at her.

“Mythal...is dead. He killed her. And he... he's gone. Again.” She muttered tonelessly.

Morrigan came to a halt beside the remains of Mythal. “Mother.”

There was no sadness in her voice, only mild surprise, but she fell silent all the same. For some time none of them said a word.

Why would he kill her? Why would Mythal not fight back? Why would she call her here? Why was it that absolutely nothing had gone according to her plans and hopes? Why was he so far away again, after she had come so close to be with him again? Why was she still so concerned, even after witnessing what he had done?!

It was like he had left for a faraway place. A place she was unable to follow. After what had happened here today... it seemed like he was farther gone than ever before. 

Why would Solas kill Mythal, one he had called his friend? She looked over to her blackened body again. 

Mythal had known something. She had expected him to come here and it had even felt like she had also suspected what he was about to do. So why would she tell her to hide? Why would she greet Solas the way she had, like she wanted to reveal his identity to _her_?! There was something behind all of this, that only the two of them had known. But Mythal was gone too and couldn't answer any of her questions.

Morrigan was the first to break the silence again. “There is nothing left for us here. We should depart.”

She nodded and dragged herself up, thinking of Cole and Dorian. “You are right.”

In silence they went back to their horses.

She had failed. She had not done one of the things she had set out to do when she was to meet Solas.

For all the things she had learned, she had just been burdened with more questions. Why was he avoiding her? Why wouldn't he give her a chance, trust her and explain everything to her?

_ The answers would only lead to more questions, an emotional entanglement that would benefit neither of us.  _ He had told her that, after their breakup and slowly she began to understand those words. 

All the time she had hoped to be able to save him from the fate he feared so much, or at least to share his fate. But maybe...maybe it had been stupid of her after all.

She had come here and searched for him ever since his sudden disappearance. She had resolved to not let him get away without answers to her questions. Not without telling him, what he meant to her. Not without knowing, what she meant to him. If it was over. Just a fanciful story of a god loving a mortal. 

If it was foolish to hold on to her love. And if she should let go. 

Was what happened today not proof enough though? Had he not left her behind not only once, but multiple times? Had he not made it clear by now that she held no more interest for him? 

Had he not already _told_ her to let go? She had not recognized him then, but now she knew. That the advice Fen'Harel had given her had really been that of Solas himself.

Let go...

Maybe it simply was not meant to be this way. What did she know about the world of an immortal? Today had shown her that she understood nothing. It had been presumptuous of her to assume she could be of help to someone like him in any way.

 

* * *

 

Power was surging through him. Power like he had not commanded since the days of Arlathan. And still he felt miserable. It was laughable. He was a coward, always running from her even now that he should have other worries.

And yet in the moment he had seen her again, face to face, his greatest concern had been that he did not want to see the hate in her eyes. She had been there the entire time. It should not matter to him anymore, but in the end he had not been able to face her. Now that she knew who he was. What he was. A liar. Traitor. Murderer.

It was his fault, really. The price for his mistakes always was paid by others. Now even Mythal. But he would not also drag _her_ down with him. If there was one person in Thedas he wanted to spare a fate such as this, it was her.


	22. Chapter 22

They found Dorian and Cole again near the site of the battle they had avoided just this noon. When they noticed their arrival both of them got up and mounted their horses coming up to meet them.

Both seemed tired but unharmed. At least her friends were safe. If one of them would have been injured because of her decision to leave them...she didn't even want to think about it. They had risked their lives so she could get Solas back. And still she had failed miserably.

Dorian brought his horse to her side.

“You were able to defeat the bandits? Both of you are unhurt?”, she asked in a small voice.

“Everything's fine. They lost interest in us soon after you disappeared and chased after you. But never mind that.”

He gave her a sideways glance. “What will we do now? Back to searching the woods again?“

She smiled bitterly at that. With the current state she was in it was all too obvious that she had failed to bring Solas back with her like she had promised to them.

But after everything that had happened she was not so sure anymore if looking for him had been the right decision in the first place. He did not want to see her. What right did she have to chase after him after he made it so clear that he wanted to be left alone?

“We will return to Skyhold.” Her voice was thin.

Dorian stared at her incredulously. “You...you are giving up?!”

“I'm not giving up...”, she stated flatly. “I'm simply accepting his decision.”

“So...you met him?”, he asked carefully.

“I saw him.” The memory of him killing Mythal came back to her. The memory of him leaving her behind again. She swallowed. “But he left before I could talk to him.”

“And now you let it go? Just like that? Are you sure?” The concern in his voice was palpable.

“I should not try to force my presence onto one that has no further need for it.”

She fell silent, unable to say any more. Theoretically she knew that should be the right decision, but it hurt all the same.

_What we had was real._ His parting words echoed through her mind once more, the last spark of hope. She smothered it. What they had was in the past. Now there was no place for her at his side. She had to accept this.

* * *

It took far less time to arrive back at Skyhold than it had taken her to travel all the way to the west. Always looking everywhere for traces of Solas had been somewhat time-consuming it seemed.

Somewhere along the way Morrigan bid her goodbyes and so the only ones returning with her were Cole and Dorian.

Of course the whole Inquisition knew days in advance that they would be coming back, if the grand welcoming party was anything to go by. She spent the whole evening smiling and assuring everyone she was fine. It somewhat felt like the celebration of Corypheus's defeat all over again.

Afterwards she slowly began taking up her old duties again, much to the pleasure of her advisers. Maybe they even believed her that she really was fine. Maybe they were just glad she didn't hide in her rooms anymore and behaved like a proper Inquisitor again. Or they thought that those tasks could help to take her mind off things. She rode out to defeat bandits and rebels again, sat in judgment and dealt with all other kinds of arising problems. Like it was expected of the Inquisitor. Like it had always been.

Maybe this pretense of normality would one day really reach her feelings. After all she couldn't stay heartbroken forever. Even so, it certainly wouldn't be easy.

She may have resolved to let go of Solas...but she would never be able to forget him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ The End ~  
> (haha, no)
> 
> Ok, so I know there is a new DLC out, but I haven't gotten around to playing it yet. I reeeeeeally hope it will contain a nice canon conclusion to the Solas romance... This story will be kind of superfluous then, but ah well, I guess I'll just post the rest regardless of how the DLC ends. At least all those sad Lavellans will get their deserved happy endings now. Right? Right, Solas?  
> (Please don't make me cry again, Bioware...)


	23. Chapter 23

It still wasn't enough. He still did not have enough power. And there was only one thing he could think of, that could give him the means to achieve what he needed. The anchor. He needed the anchor to make the world right again. The anchor was the key. He needed it. And thus he needed _her_.

But what should he do? He could not simply show up again and pretend that nothing had happened.

She surely would not want to see _him_ again. Not after all he had done. Not after she _knew_ about him.

It had been his fault she was cursed with the anchor in the first place.

No, he would not show himself to her again. He could not get her involved in what was going to happen. He did not want her to share this fate.

But how could he hope to attain the anchor without getting too close to her again, without endangering her? How he wished it all could have ended differently. If the orb had not been destroyed... But what had happened could not be changed now.

Maybe he could find out more if he looked for her in the Fade once again. It had been a long time since he had last done that. He had not been in her dreams since that day she had confronted him. She had not known then that he was the Dread Wolf. But she did now.

The Fade was no option for him anymore. He would not interfere with her life directly. He would find out where she was through other means. It should not be too difficult, the Inquisitor was well-known after all.

She was probably in Skyhold now. He had heard that she had returned there, after she had found out the truth about him. He could not blame her. Maybe it had been a good thing for her to see him that day. It was right for her to know. Who he was, what he was. He had wanted her to know when they still had been together, yet he had not had the heart to tell her. For her to learn about it in this way – to witness him taking the life of Mythal – it felt like just what he deserved for his cowardice.

She could resent him now for all his lies and the pain he had brought her. She could resent him and move on. For her sake it was probably best that way.

For him... it had proved to not be so easy to move on. He still found himself wondering about her. Like now. And he would be deceiving himself, if he tried to blame it all on his need for the anchor. 

The anchor and how he should proceed now was a problem of its own. That he needed her again to be able to fulfill his plans... He had never planned for that. But all brooding did not help. It was time to finally look for her again, even if from afar. If he knew about her whereabouts and how she was doing he could still decide what to do. 

With that in mind he finally arrived in the closest town, after weeks spent away from civilization His hood drawn into his face he greeted one of the men guarding the gates. “Do you have any word on the Inquisition? I am a traveler on my way to Skyhold. Is it known if the Inquisitor is staying there at the moment?”

The guard looked at him with a funny expression on his face. “Are you joking?”

“I am not. What leads you to think I am?”

The other man shook his head in disbelief. “You really didn't hear? Word's out there that she's dead.”

For a moment he simply stared at the man.

“...dead?”, he asked dumbly. He could not believe what he had just heard. Dead and the Inquisitor...those words did not fit together in his mind.

“Dead, like in went to see the Maker. Well, some say she's still alive, but those voices are getting fewer by the day. No, if you ask me, she's dead by now. Has to be. It's been more than a month.”

“ _What_ has been more than a month?”

“Since they took her. Those Orlesian rebels. They caught her unaware when she was on her way to Val Royaux to some fancy feast or something. And since then she's been missing without a trace. Everyone's looking for her.”

This could not be right. They were talking about the woman who had braved countless of battles, who had defeated Copypheus and his dragon, who had physically entered the Beyond and lived! She would not die at the hands of some Orlesian rebels. He would _not_ believe her dead until he saw her corpse with his own eyes, until he held her body with his own hands!

The guard simply continued talking, oblivious to his current state of mind.

“Well, I don't care either way. The rifts are closed, so the Inquisition's not really needed anymore. It's fulfilled its purpose. Their power was too great, too much influence and meddling. It's only natural that someone would target the Inquisitor in time. I mean-”

The man stopped, when he felt his cold glare. “I have heard enough. Thank you.”

He turned back and stalked away. This was impossible. She could not be dead. He refused to believe it. Someone had to know more. But whomever he asked, everyone told him the same things.

The Herald of Andraste is missing. She's dead. She's been taken hostage by Orlesian bandits. The Inquisition is falling apart. The Inquisitor finally died.

It made him furious and frightened at the same time. But even if no one else was able to find her, he would be. He knew she was still alive. She had to be. His fear for her was only overshadowed by an all-consuming rage when he at last entered the Fade again.


	24. Chapter 24

Solas had been visiting her in the Fade again. It had been some time since the last time such wishful thinking had affected her dreams. Something was strange though. Different from the other times she had seen his reflection in the Fade. He had been angry. Never before had she seen him so angry. But still. It had been nice to see him again.

She was tired. So tired. Maybe that was the reason he had returned to her dreams. Because this was the end. She felt drowsy. Everything was a colourful blur before her eyes. She just wanted to sleep. Sleep and dream and see him again. That would be... beautiful.

Sluggishly she blinked. Maybe it would be easier to just forget. To let everything go. Blackness invaded her vision from the corners of her eyes. 

 

* * *

 

When she woke up the next time, she felt... surprisingly good. Some of the drowsiness was gone. And the world wasn't all colours anymore. The only thing she regretted was that she hadn't been able to see Solas anymore.

She sat up on the rough stone floor of her prison. She had lost all feeling for time since they had thrown her in here. The only source of light she had were the torches of the guards, coming by in irregular intervals. And the only thing that reminded her that time had passed at all was her growling stomach. She still felt a bit too dizzy to stand up, so she crawled towards the bars keeping her from freedom.

There she found some bread her guards had tossed into her cell and a shallow bowl of water. With weak fingers she picked up the bread. She hadn't felt that hungry in a long time. She had to have passed out before she was even able to eat something. She hesitated. How long had she been away from Skyhold? They were probably all worrying about her. What had happened to her anyway? 

Her head hurt when she tried to concentrate. But she had to remember. She had been obligated to go on a diplomatic mission to Val Royaux. They had been ambushed... And that was it. Afterward all her memories were a jumbled heap of feverish dreams. Really, this was the first time she had stopped to really think about the mess she was in. Why had she not been able to do so sooner? She could not just sit here, waiting to be saved!

Her head hurt and she felt sick. It was like... like she was poisoned. She stared at her food. Maybe this was why she was feeling better than usual. Because she had not eaten for such a long time. If they had drugged her food... She let the bread fall down again.

She should have noticed sooner. Slowly she crept back to the other side of her cell. She would have to bear the hunger for a while.

 

* * *

 

It seemed she had been right. Her thoughts were becoming clearer. She could stand up again without falling. The hunger was something she could live with. In a situation like this she had to stay focused. Someone had taken her hostage and wanted to keep her alive. They would not let her starve herself to death. At least she hoped so. Maybe that could give her an opening to escape.

After another day of fasting one of the guards finally noticed she had stopped eating. A man in mismatched armor peered into her cell. “Eat your food, damn knife-ear.”

She silently glowered back, sitting leaned to the wall on the far side of her cell. After a few moments the guard turned away. Shouting at the top of his lungs he informed one of his companions. “The bitch doesn't want to eat!”

Another man called back at him from the end of the hallway. “Well then make her! The boss still wants her alive.”

It sounded like he was far enough away that she would have time to take out the first guard before he could arrive at her cell. If they were the only two down here with her... maybe she stood a chance.

Grumbling under his breath the first man took out a keyring. He really opened her cell. Then he bent down to pick up the food she had not eaten. He was underestimating her if he thought that she could not fight. It was now or never.

She jumped to her feet. One heartbeat later she tackled the guard. Hit by her weight he lost his balance. He cried out in surprise and crashed to the floor with her. A well-aimed hit with her handcuffs to his temple and he was out cold.

“Hey, what's going on over there?” The voice from the other guard. He had heard her.

With trembling fingers she got hold of the keys. The first one she tried didn't fit her handcuffs. Still feeling some of the effects of the drugs she fumbled with the next one. She didn't have time. She could already hear fast steps, coming closer.

With a click the second key turned in the lock. Her shackles fell to the floor. Now there was only the one remaining guard to be taken care of. For the moment at least. She flexed her wrists.

The guard came to a sudden halt in front of her cell. When he saw that she was free he stared at her. “Shit!”

Before he could sound the alarm a veilfist crushed into his face and the man went down. She couldn't stay here. As soon as they noticed she was gone all of them would come looking for her.

She stepped over the two unconscious bodies and out of her cell. One hand resting on the stonewall she staggered onwards. The lack of food and the lingering effects of the poison made it hard to walk properly.

How long had she been here? Her vision blurred but still she pressed onward. She could not give in to weakness now. This was the best chance she would get to escape this prison!


	25. Chapter 25

Stumbling through the hallways of the dungeon, she finally arrived at a great wooden door. Carefully she pressed her ear against it. Silence. Warily she opened the door a crack just so she could peer inside the room. There was a table, some cupboards and some weapon and armor racks, but no guards. At least once she was lucky. She hoped to avoid fighting for as long as possible. In her current state she wouldn't last long.

When she slipped inside she halted in surprise. Beside one of the cupboards was her staff! Without hesitation her hand closed around the familiar weapon. It felt good to have it back. She felt more like the Inquisitor again and less like a helpless prisoner.

Then her eyes wandered to the armors stored here. They were heavy looking Orlesian armors, nothing she would wear voluntarily were she to have a choice, especially in the weakened state she was in now. But in here, maybe they were her best bet to actually gain freedom.

As fast as she could she slipped into the armor. It all looked a bit messy, but maybe it was enough for her to pass as one of those guards. The chainmail weighed her down and her head felt like sinking to her chest under the weight of the heavy Orlesian helmet. But at least it hid her face. She had never understood the need for designing helmets like this, but right now she was grateful. Only her eyes were visible now. She would not get a better chance or disguise than this.

The armor was hard to move in and she staggered a bit, but nevertheless she continued on her way through the other door finding herself in yet another hallway. She had no real idea where she was going and if it brought her nearer to the exit but at least she met no other guards on her way. It seemed a bit strange to her but she certainly would not complain about her sudden streak of luck.

Arriving at another door she came to a halt catching her breath. Moving around in this armor really was more exhausting than it looked. Maybe she should have decided to try to sneak out instead of using this disguise. Leaning on her staff she finally heard the voices coming from inside the room behind the door.

She pushed open the door a gap and peered inside. There were four men and three women seated on some benches around a long table. All of them seemed quite drunk, but still they were too many to take out at once. Should she look for another way out? Right when she wanted to turn away, the door in front of her opened. Standing in front of her was one of the guards.

“You there!”

Her heart racing in shock, she could only stare at him. Should she attack? Try to take him and the others out? All of them were looking at her and her advantage of surprise wouldn't last long enough. The man looked her up and down.

“Are you the new girl they wanted to send down this week?”

Hastily she stood a bit straighter. “That's right. I'm off duty, Sir. It's my first day and I was just looking around. I'm sorry if I bothered you.”

A smile spread across the face of the man. Looking at him this closely she could see that his cheeks were reddened. And he was stinking of alcohol.

“No need for excuses, just come in! Sit down with us!” The man slapped her on the back and the force sent her stumbling inside the room. Weakened as she was, everything she could do was stay on her feet. Her situation, however, had definitely taken a turn for the worse. Nervously she looked at the guards, who looked back at her in turn. This really should not be happening. She was walking right into a whole group of her enemies.

“New and already too drunk to walk properly, I see.” One of them scoffed.

“And to tell apart a sword from a stick.” They roared with laughter.

She forced out a nervous laugh. Should she have left her staff behind and taken a sword instead? Maybe they wouldn't have noticed something off about her then... No, she needed her weapon if it came to a fight. She would not go down without one.

“It's... easier to walk with?” For a moment the guards only looked at her in disbelief. Inwardly she cursed her own stupidity. That had to be the worst excuse of a lie imaginable in a situation like hers.

Then one of the women began giggling. “You tell 'em, new girl.”

The others joined in her laughter and she let out a relieved breath

The guard at the door sat down on the bench again. “Yeah, why not just sit down instead of walking. Play some Wicked Grace with us. Introduce yourself.”

“Uh, no.. I don't think...” She couldn't even get to the end of her sentence, before the guard gripped her hand and pulled her towards the bench. “No need to be so shy, right?”

Now she really wanted to smack him with the end of her staff. Cursing inwardly she sat down beside him. There was no chance she could overpower him without using her magic.

“How about taking off your helmet? You're not on duty, right?” His hands wandered in the direction of her helmet.

“No.” Frantically she held onto her helmet, already mentally preparing for a fight. The man looked at her in obvious surprise, then doubt. Hurriedly she let out a laugh. “I mean.. That would ruin the game, right? If you win against me, I'll take it off...”


	26. Chapter 26

How? How had she gotten into a situation like this? Playing Wicked Grace with the guards that held her captive... Somewhere along the way her plan to escape this prison really had gotten out of hand.

What if someone noticed the Inquisitor was missing? What if someone found the two guards she had knocked out?! Her act of the “new girl” would be in shambles instantly. Even drunk as they were, they would become suspicious.

That was if she was even able to last that long. If she lost her helmet, gambling here... Up to now she had been able to avoid that, thanks to the practice she had gotten with Varric and the others. But sooner or later her luck would turn. Her only hope was, that this would be when they were already drunk enough for her to finish all of them quickly with one spell. She was grasping at straws, and she knew it.

As if that wasn't already enough, the man sitting beside her gave her short glances with increasing frequency. Was he finally doubting her identity? Trying to ignore him she kept playing, hoping for the best. When he peered inside her helmet for a particularly long time she was already beginning to think a fight would be unavoidable after all. Unexpectedly he smiled at her. “You've got big, nice eyes, kinda like a rabbit.”

“What?!” Incredulity and indignation at the same time made her voice tremble and she stared at him. In the next moment she regretted to have spoken up like this. What was she thinking? This was no time to be insulted. Quickly she averted her gaze again, hoping her sudden outburst would not give her away. An awkward silence settled around the table. The guard at her side watched her with narrowed eyes. He was definitely mistrustful now.

In this moment one of the doors was pushed open, luckily drawing the attention of the man away from her. Her relief didn't last long. The guard that just arrived was completely out of breath. Had he found the unconscious guards? “Everyone! To arms! There's an intruder!”

Her heart nearly stopped beating. So they finally had found out she was missing. Cold sweat ran down her forehead underneath the helmet. The guards around the table jumped to their feet. “An attack? Here?!”

She got up just as quickly, readying her staff for combat. But no one attacked her. The man who had just arrived looked at her.

“You! Go inform the two guarding the Inquisitor! Everyone else, with me! He's upstairs!”

They hurried up the stairs, not sparing her any glance as she stumbled back through the door she had come from, barely believing her luck. An attack? Now of all times? After a few steps she came to a halt. Slowly she snuck back into the room she had just come from. All of them were gone. This was her chance.

She went through the door the others had disappeared though just moments ago. Finally she arrived at a stairway leading upwards and stopped in her tracks. She still could hear the muffled sound of their shouting, now coming from upstairs. She couldn't make out the words, but it seemed like the fight was still going on. This intruder seemed to be strong enough to take on all of them at once, which was exactly what she needed. Maybe she could get out unnoticed in this chaos.

She gripped her staff and ascended the stairs walking as silently as possible. When she arrived on the upper floor though the fighting had already stopped. Carefully she peeked into the hallway.

Some of the guards from before were lying on the floor. And in the midst of it all...She blinked, unbelieving. It...couldn't be. It had been so long since she had seen him. Was she still under the influence of those drugs? Was she fever-dreaming again?

No. She was awake. And Solas was standing in the hallway right in front of her, violently shaking one of her captors.

“Where is she? Where is the Inquisitor?!” His voice was unlike his usual self. The words were angry, desperate even. “I know you are holding her here!”

Solas...Solas had come for her?

His words weren't those of a man who didn't care. They were overflowing with emotions. Anger, worry, fear. How was she supposed to accept that she couldn't be at his side anymore when he obviously still cared for her well-being? How was she supposed to forget him, to leave their relationship in the past when he was right there?

On weak feet she stumbled in his direction. This time she wouldn't let him get away again. This time she would get all of her answers. She took off her helmet, letting it fall to the ground, all the while fixated on Solas. It was truly him!

As soon as the helmet clattered on the floor, Solas head turned towards her. When he saw her, his eyes widened visibly. The man fell from his hands and he took a step in her direction.

“Vhe-”, he cleared his throat and his voice changed to a formal, more composed tone. “Inquisitor.”

She wouldn't let his act fool her anymore. He had come here for her and that meant there still was a place for her at his side. What they had was not in the past. It was now, in the present. And in the future.

It all became clear to her in this one moment. He feared solitude and still he had chosen it as not to get her involved into whatever he was planning to do. He had told her to let go and left her behind for so many times, but now he had come for her, finally revealing his true feelings. This was more than she had hoped for. The happiness that bloomed inside her made an involuntary smile spread across her face.

“Solas... Vhenan...”, she whispered, still slowly stumbling towards him.

He looked at her in surprise, as if those words were the last he would have expected from her now.


	27. Chapter 27

It had been hard enough to abandon her after Corypheus's defeat. He didn't know if he had the strength to do it again. And that frightened him. Her presence made him forget his goals, made him waver. He would use neither her nor the anchor. He would find another way. He would only come here and free her, make sure she was safe. At least that much he owed her. Or that had been his plan.

The plan that began falling apart the moment their eyes had met again. The moment she had called out to him again.

There was no hate, no disgust, nothing of those things he had feared to see in her eyes. She still looked at him with the same sincere expression. It was truly wondrous. How could she still face at him that way? How could she _not_ turn away from him, after all he had done to her? After all the pain and misery he had sowed in her life? _Vhenan_...

“You would still call me that, after what you saw? Even after knowing who I truly am?”

She smiled at him and stepped nearer. “I may not have known the names you had in the past... but I believe that you always showed me who you truly were.”

He could not keep the desperation from creeping into his voice. “After everything that happened? Now that you know what I have done?!”

“I may not yet understand your actions but the man I know always has a reason for the way he acts. I trust you.”

He shook his head and made a step back. He didn't deserve her trust, her forgiveness. Her love. “You would put faith in the Dread Wolf? The great deceiver of Dalish history?”

She didn't even flinch as he hurled those words at her. She simply kept her eyes locked onto his, calm and serious. “I would trust my heart.”

It was too much. His feet stopped moving away from her.“Vhenan...” The word was no more than a quiet whisper.

“I love you for who you are. Not what you are. I love you and nothing will change that.”

Her cold fingers touched his cheek softly, the feather-like sensation making him shiver. How he had longed for this. Hungered for her presence.

He felt his resolve crumbling under her tender gaze. How should he have the strength to leave her behind again? She was close, too close for him to stay strong. His heart was aching, as he tried to back away in one last attempt to remain steadfast.

“ _Ma emma harel_ ”, he whispered. “You should fear me. This will bring nothing but pain to you.”

A sad smile crossed her face. “It is you who is in pain.” She took a step towards him, closing the gap between them again. “ _Ar'din tu hara ma vhenan_. I will never fear my heart.”

“But I am-”

She put a finger on his lips and smiled up to him. “You are yourself. I don't care for anything else.”

There was such brilliance in that smile, such sincerity in her words. He simply could not hold back anymore.

He engulfed her in a desperate embrace. He just wanted to hold her. Hold her and never let go again.

“This...is not...I have no right... “ His voice broke. When had been the last time, words had failed him so?

“You should be free...” Free from pain and sorrow. Free from false gods. Free from him. She should be free but still he did not let her go.

“But I am! You took the _vallaslin_ away, did you not? I am free. I am no slave to anyone.”

He stared at her in utter amazement. Those words were so simple and yet they carried such hope for him.

“I chose to be with you, _ma sa'lath_ ”, she whispered. “And I am free to do so.” Tears were streaming down her face, soaking into his clothes where her head rested against his chest. He could feel her hands weakly clinging to him, as if in fear he could disappear again.

But he would not disappear anymore. He would not leave her again.

Gently he stroked a tear from her cheek. “Thank you, _vhenan_.” He murmured in a soft voice. “ _Ma'arlath._ ”

She made a choked sound. “I am...so... happy.”

For a few moments both of them simply stood there in silence. Then she looked up with a crooked smile on her face despite her red eyes. “Now that you've shown me your true feelings...don't think I'll let you get away again.”

He buried his face in her hair and smiled. “Even if I wanted I could not get away from you. You are harder to shake off than a coursing dog.”

She beamed up to him through a veil of tears. “I'll take that as a compliment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! Finally they are reunited again!  
> Now they can go off and ride into the sunset and live happily ever after together... or conquer the world I guess. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and your kudos and bookmarks and comments! You won't believe how happy those always made me.


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